my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Reality Check

Hey loves,
So my vacations coming to an end.. "vacation".
Sadly to say, I didn't do much. LOL. I've been working day in and day out helping my parents out at their cafe.. Oh the joys of working with your entire family. LOL I missed them sooooooooooo much in New York.. and lol it's just funny.. how you miss someone so much yet even though you've missed them that much.. enough time spent can make your head spin. AHHHAHAHAHa..
But anyway.. yeah.. i'm ready to go back. Working at a slowwwwwww paced cafe... where all i do is.. cook and be bored.. well.. that hasn't done me any good. I can feeeeeel the blubber coming back. LOL!

My pants are getting tight again... my new pants that is.. DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!11 Truthfully it's disappointing.. and the worst thing.. I CRAVE MORE JUNK FOOD. MAn, I'm telling you... junk food is the DEVIL! It's frigging addicting... I mean seriously.. i CAN EAT SO MUCH! It's scary.. Here at home.. I can eat and eat and eat and eat..

LOL.. I told Allen (the bf).. well no.. I've been TELLING the bf for the past week that he'd better be ready to welcome home an OOMPA LOOMPA for a gf. LOL.
Just to make it sound worst.. i told him i gained 25 pounds. AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHa. that makes me feel somewhat better.
In reality i think i gained back 5 pounds. DUN DUN DUN. sad sad sad.. all that hard work.
But i guess i expected it you know? All my family does is ask me what i want to eat..
and really i've been eating EVERYTHING
I get what i ask for right?!

On another note.. I hope you ladies aren't going downhill like me. lol give me some inspiration!!
I'm starting to worry that when i get back to NY i won't have the self discipline to start eating healthy again. It's really scary how eating a lil bit of junk food can become into an addiction.

realize it.
gotta change it.

I've been going to MEXICO for the past 3 days... because i have no insurance.. so i've been getting my teeth done.

Ready to hear the damage?!?!
Oh how embarassing AHAHAHA.
I had 4 cavities.. and i got 2 root canals!! RIGht?! I deserve it. I knew it was coming..
The dentist= my ultimate fear since i was 5.
Shots= my death.
I cried.
to compensate for my pain.. my daddy and i had tacos.. and more tacos..

Love how everything I've done has to do with food.
oh boy..

besides my teeth let's get on to some real talk...
San Diego is now officially just.. my family's home.
I've been kinda down... cause none of the friends that i thought were my friends... even called me?
It's sad cause i hate burning bridges..
it's just... yeah.
There's one person in particular i'm pretty bummed about.
I called and called and called..
no answer.. no call back.
so much for girlfriends LOL!
It's all good right!?

I mean..
I really do want to maintain my girlfriends.. cause.. i feel like it's so important.
I don't necessarily have many.. because i find it rare for someone to be real with me.. but the few that i have... i cherish..
But why should i value them so much if they don't value me equally?
The good thing... i really have alot of good guyfriends? LOL.
I mean love them dearly!!
They're such goof balls.. and so down.. and so real.
I love it.
No bullshit.
If you call them and ask them let's do something.
They're down.
No excuses.. no erss.... no akwardness..
We'll do jack crap.. and it'll still be chill =]
One of my besties Fredddy and I went to guitar center the other day so he can buy a ukalale? is that how you spell it?
Then we went to Yogurt world and jammed outside the rest of the night
chill right?!
Or my friend Hai and I just talked and caught up outside of Starbucks... and it's always nice drinking coffee on a good summer night!

On to randomness.
I'm scared to get on camera LOL
I'm afraid to see my weight gain.
but i am ecstatic to see Allen.
Beyond ecstatic.
He... is still and will continue to be amazing.
One in a million i tell you :)

I guess i'll talk to you ladies later?! I'm gonna look for my camera battery cause maybe.. just maybe... i'll make video tonight.
On what?! I have no idea!


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Friday, July 17, 2009


Hey loves!
So here is the first series of email responses in regards to MANY MANY topics.
I'll be leaving names anonymous so that nobody feels put on the spot. But I really do feel as if all of these topics can benefit us. Many of us have felt or feel the same way! I don't know if i'll be of any help to you guys.. cause you know I'm still on the same boat. I'm still working on my self esteem and my confidence. There are days where I still feel like I'm 200lbs.. and there are days where I don't believe that my own videos are me even though they are. But if there's anyway I can help a sister out even by humiliating myself, I sure will! Let me know what you guys think or put some input to help each other out too! We're not alone you know =) We gotta stick up for each other!

Email #1:

I for the past month, I've been doing really good with losing weight but this month I have fallen down the hill. I lose my momentum and I dunno.
I just cry evrynight because I always think I will always be fat and no one will like me. Im only 15 years old. For my age I am over-weight and I hate it!
Could you please help me??
What do you do to distract yourself from eating?

Dear _____,
Ahh... =( This pains me to know that you're hurting so much. You're so young and still have so much to experience.

I'm going to be very down to the point and I hope I'm not being too blunt.
1.) You need to love yourself.
Understand that you will NOT always be fat and that people not only like you but love you, like your family. Let me tell you a secret, it's the people that love you for who you are that count so don't look elsewhere. If you're thinking about the boys at school or the pretty girls that get all the attention that "don't like you" forget it. They're not the ones that will break their backs to love you for who you are. They're in their own little world, don't waste your time trying to have them like you. Trust me, after highschool they won't even exist. It's taken me a long time to realize that it's the small people, the people that I never expected to become my best friends. If you're thinking about relationships, that no guy will like you... I have one thing to say..

You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. How can a guy love you when you don't even love yourself. WHen you can't respect yourself, your body, it shows. The brutal truth is, low self esteem is a turn off. People are unattracted to it. As harsh as that sounds it's the truth in every aspect in life. We're naturally attracted to people with positive attitudes and confidence. I promise you, once you start to love yourself and accept who you are as a person, others will follow. The beautiful thing about this, once you begin to love yourself.. not only will people follow you but you'll respect yourself so much that you won't want to disappoint yourself.. and that is when you start to build self discipline. Once you start learning self discipline you'll start to lose weight. Losing weight is honestly one of the hardest tasks you can ever do. It takes alot of persistance, determination and hard work. It doesn't happen over night and it definitely doesn't happen over a month.


I really feel as though I shouldn't be encouraging weight loss to many of you younger girls.. but then again I remember how that felt.. so I hope you guys are doing it the right way. Understand that you're still young... you have ALOT of time to work on your weight.. take it nice and slow! Don't rush because i guarantee you'll gain it back. Eat properly, don't starve!!!!! Exercise in MODERATION don't exhaust yourself.

With all that said.. as far as what I do to distract myself from eating.. I really honestly don't stop myself from eating. I just eat properly rather than restricting myself when i'm hungry. When you're dieting you need to be on a healthy diet. You can't just count calories and say, oh hey i'll have a burger and that's it for the rest of the day. It's much healthier and better for you to eat in moderation a healthy balanced diet that's low in calories throughout the day.

For example..
I'll eat a 300 cal. breakfast (cereal, milk & apple)
a 300-400 cal. lunch (salad with every type of vegggie you can think of piled HIGH with just balsamic vinegar.. with some sort of protein.. like.. a 3-4 oz. piece of chicken breast)
then for dinner i'll have a 300-500 cal dinner.. maybe a turkey sandwich again with TONS of veggies on it with nonfat mayo, dijon mustard.. and a string cheese

in between or after.. if i get hungry.. I'll eat another apple.
With all that in mind.. drink TONS of water.. Water helps you digest.. helps you get all that crap out of your system and curves your hunger!

If you're eating healthy you really don't have to worry about.. trying to stop yourself from eating..
and I'll tell you... once you start dieting.. by eating healthy.. give it like a week.. your junk food cravings will stop.

Really.. it's addictive... It makes you lazy.. it's fatty.. because of all the crap thats in the food it makes you want more.. and more.. and more..

If you eat healthy, you won't crave the junk food.. you won't mind eating lots of veggies... food will taste ALOT more amazing! Your taste buds become ALOT more sensitive.. I mean jeez luiz! After i started dieting.. and it was routine.. i could eat a whole plate of veggies without dressing and it still tasted good!

If worst comes to worst.. and you really want to distract yourself from eating (which i don't really recommend).. try keeping yourself busy. I tend to forget that I'm hungry when I'm keeping my mind distracted.. Like.. when i make videos for example.. I'll work on a project for 4-5 hours and I completely forget to eat.. cause i'm so distracted... or.. I'll read a book or.. go out something.. of that sort and it'll keep my mind off of food.

Keep moving.. MOVING IS KEY. When you have free time... it becomes lazy time! LOl and it's the truth.... lazy time brings out hunger... HUNGER that's UNNECESSARy. (this is exactly what's happening to me here on my vacation by the way)

I hope you find this helpful..
I really want you to know though.. that as you get older.. and accept yourself.. things will change for you too.. There are amazing people out there waiting to get to know you.. and become apart of your life.. It's just the first step.. all it takes is for you to love yourself and accept yourself for who you are.. as a person.. take things slow..

Okey dokes. Holy crap. It's taken me 2 hours to write this. LOL.
I hope this helps girls..
I really do..
It really pulls a string in my gut knowing that many of you are experiencing these feelings that i too once experienced. But i want you to know things will get better..

With that said.. I'll talk to you all very soon!!

With Love,

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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

they call it love

HIIIIIIIIII loveeees!!!
How're you all?!!? Ohhhhhhh boy oh boy.. where to start.

Is this.. I have the most amazing boyfriend thing getting old yet?! Let me know if it is.. because once again.. I must say it.

I have the bestestestestestest most amazing boyfriend in the world.

For me to be able to say something like that.. wow. Honestly.

Sooo unreal. even now. He sent flowers to my house today... just to let me know that he misses me.. and "L"'s me. LOL. melting me away i tell you!!! Ohhhhhhhhhhh Oh OHHHHHHHH. How happy he makes me!

I think about him throughout the day... Does that sound CHEESY or what?! IT even sounds stalkerish. LOL. I should stop. Ok maybe not. LOL
but i mean... while i'm working at my parents cafe.. and i'm sippin on some coffee during break.. i'll sit down.. and just.. start letting my mind ponder about what he's doing.. orrrrr what kind of trouble he's causing *wink :).
Oh how i can't wait to be back home in NY to see him. I'm starting to think of NY as a new home.. i actually really do miss it alot. I miss the fast paced life.. Cali is starting to get a tad bit too chill for me. I mean it's great seeing my family and all.. but I feel like time passes by sooooooooooo slow here.. and the days never end. NOWWWWWWWW if Allen was here that'd be a diff story. LOL i'd probably never want my days to end.. but jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez.. one day feels like one week. In NY it feels like there's just not enough time in a day to do ANYTHING?! Do i make sense? =T

Thinking over the last few months.. I really have come to appreciate my NY life. I absolutely love the east coast.. and i feel like my heart is definitely there. Before i left San Diego i felt so...... down... and lazy... unproductive.. and just... blah. Literally.. i use to sit on my ass... and just eat eat eat and watch grey's anatomy.. and eat... and do... absolutely nothing.

sad thought.

complete waste of time.

I'm so glad that part of my life is over.. cause things are just getting better with hard work and persistence. I'm telling you... DOOOOOOO THE WALK girls.

Don't think... I wish i wish i wish.. don't give yourself the chance to think that way.
Just walk it out! and as my guyfriend Jerry says.. don't say i hope... say I will. Be confident.. Love yourself.. force yourself.. MOVE! =] *in a positive way. :D

Oh man i'm going off in so many tangents. I keep wanting to stay on topic but i keep bouncing around.
ANYWAY. So back to the boyfriend...

You guys are going to DIE laughing.
get ready for this.
He's probably gonna kill me.
Or better yet.. I should just start hiding cause here comes the most embarassing thing ever.
But i'm telling you guys just so that you guys can see what an amazing guy Allen is and so you can all have a good laugh. I love you guys this much! LOL

(let's back track)
So... LOL. The night before i left for Cali.. I had some laundry to do..well.. I couldn't do it at school cause allllll the washing machines and dryers were full.. so then I started complaining to Allen about it..and he goes... "Babe why don't I just do it for you"... so I look at him, and i'm like, "uh.. NO!!" with a cock eye o_O. So then he's like.. "I'll do it for you, it's nothing"... -________________-.. Ok so i'm thinking... yeah okay.. i'll let him do it for me i guess... but before I let him take the laundry with him... I took out all my undergarments.. (or so i thought LOL).


I get a call from him a few days after coming here to SD.. and he goes.. "so uh... what is up with your socks!!" LOL. and i say... "why what's wrong with them?!" and he goes.. "WHAT's wrong with them!? They're like a 100,000 miles overdo!" LOL.

So while he's saying this.. i'm thinkin.. ohh.. whewwwwww not that bad..
but thennnn he goes..
"and what is up with your underwear!" LOL!
So before you ladies think up what he's thinkin.
Let me explain.
Ever since my diet & exercise.. and all that mumbo jumbo.. i've been having irregular cycles.. right.. like i missed my period by 3 weeks.. then i started spotting like every other week..

so.. yeah..
the one underwear... that i ended up spotting on... ends up landing in the one load that Allen washes.
And you guys know what happens when blood dries up1?!?
so you can imagine what Allen thought..
LIKE WTF! LOL. really?!!? WOw.
SO then he starts making fun of me..
and right.. he thinks it's crap..
and all in the meanwhile.. i'm dying on the phone laughing and crying and embarassed and i'm trying to explain but he just keeps calling me KRUSTY PANTS!
LOL so then i'm dying on the phone and laughing and dying and laughing..
and he just keeps making fun of me.

Back to the point of the story.
He still loves me.
whether he believes it's blood or krusty.
and that my ladies is what you call an amazing boyfriend.

minus the whole.. he's really not letting it go for a while.

end story.

So yeah... he loves me that much.. and that's only the beginning of it.
Everyday that i get to talk to him... i feel is so unreal. I mean, how much more can a girl ask for?

He said he loves my body.

Do you guys know how much that means to me? I mean.. not in a sexual way.. but he loves my body.
My body... that has all the blubber.. and pimples (i've been breaking out like mad donkey)... my messed up arms with all the nasty bumps.. my dark skin that isn't even .. even toned... my scar'd stomach.. my scar'd legs.. my cutt up fingers... and scar'd hands..

he loves it all.

How much more can i ask for in a guy.. when he can look me straight in the eyes.. and tell me that i'm that much more beautiful. that he loves me that much... that he's the luckiest guy on earth to have me.


alrighty.. but enough with that :]

so.. as far as weight..
DUN DUN DUN DUN!! I gained 4 pounds.
LOL. I'm at 152. YEs yes. yes. yes. But even at my 4 pound+ I'm content.. I'm enjoying my vaca.. and honestly it's a mood burn when you go out with your friends.. and you say.. ohh sorry i can't eat that... HELLOOOOOOO i'm on vacation!! I will def. work it out as soon as i get back to NY.
NO doubt :)

AnywhOOOOOOOOOOOOo here are a few pictures over the week!!

CSGGGGGGGGGGG BABY!!!!!!! WOOo.. doesn't get better than all you can eat korean BBQ in Orange Country + all you can eat thrifty ice cream.
My cutie nephew.. i love him!!
Bombbbbbbb garlic naannn!
oKey dokes..
I love you all..
i cannot stress that enough.
The emails i've been getting lately are mind boggling.
Starting next blog post I'm going to start replying to some of your emails on my blog... not to embarass you.. cause i won't put up your names.. it'll be anonymous.... but because ALOT of the emails i've been getting are in regards to the same thing.. so i'm hoping that maybe there are more of you that can benefit to me posting it up publicly one at a time :)

keep your chins up ladies!
Look beautiful... feel amazing.. be PHENOMENAL!
don't settle for anyless.
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Saturday, July 4, 2009

live with no regrets

HAPPY 4th of JULY loves!!

Sooooooo I'm here in SAN DIEGO!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEe :) Finally.. hOMEEEEEEEE sweet home. I absolutely love it!!!!!!The weather is phenomenal.. it's nice and warm. and not HUMID.. no rain!! ehehe.. Yall should of seeeeen how happy i was to see my family... Oh how i've missed them sooooooooooo much! We'll get to that later..

Anywho let's see.. where to start..
Ahahahah.. so I gained 2 pounds over the last 2 weeks. I haven't worked out because my schedules been kinda hectic.. finals + new boyfriend +coming home to cali.. and honestly.. i've just been dreading it to the point of no return. but I promise i'm not giving up. I'm just.. on a "vaca". So what am i at?
today's weigh in= 150 lbs.
2 weeks ago i reached 148. Not bad. On a good note.. I can feel my metabolism kicking in. That's the benefit of being consistent when working out right? :P.. If you keep working hard.. for a period of time.. and just stop.. Your body will continue to work for a while and your metabolism kind of takes over and gives you a little leway when you're on your vaca. hahaha :]

Ok so lets get on with all else..
So the new boyfriend is.. A-MA-Zing. :] yes indeed. It's still unreal.. our relationship is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO different from any of my past relationships. If only you guys can peek into my head. LOL.
He just.. blows my breath away.
I mean.. we're moving at such a fast pace right now.. and i know i know.. everyone keeps telling me to slow down.. but we can't help it..

TIme out.
But i want you guys to know.. that it's not absolutely perfect. I know the last few posts I've made him sound sooooo... movie like right. Which is genuinely how amazing it's felt to me.. BUTTTTTTTT at the same time... those are just a few of our happy times :]

Allen and I are still getting to know each other.. and the reality is.. we're both starting to see our... not so amazing sides.. He's already seen me get pissed.. and likewise. There's nicks and picks of things that get me mad when he does certain things.. and same for him.. but you know.. what ISSS amazing.. how willing he is.. to actually try to work on these things.. like we don't just talk and say "i don't like how you do this" .. and just say we'll change.. we're already.. doing it.. we actuallyyyyy work on it and remind each other...
like he said..
"communication is key"
and it's true.. if you want a beautiful healthy relationship.. communication is key. I love how he sits me right in front of him.. makes me look directly at him with his hand.. and of course my initial response.. look down.. look away... close my eyes :P.. ( he doesn't let me)...
he looks at me.. and with his full attention.. he says.. let's talk about this.

i love it.

I can honestly say.. that I know he genuinely adores me. His eyes don't lie.. he's so gentle with me. He remembers every little thing I say.. I'm so forgetful.. I feel like an idiot sometimes LOL.. cause he remembers absolutely everything!

You know what reallllllllllllllllllllllly makes my jaw drop lately. LOL.
He's opinionated right? and he's confident and very.. dominant..
Well i'm not use to that in a relationship you know? I'm so use to being.. the mom.. and dominating.. wearing the pants in the relationship.. that when we start to butt heads..
allen and I..
I'm a bit baffled. LOL. I can't help but.. just.. be mad.. but at the same time be amused.. ahhhhhhhhhhhahahahahhahaha.. I mean.. I've never had a guy.. be mad at me really.. it's kind of.. crazy! I mean... I'm so use to... guys not having any expectations of me.. which is good.. but at the same time.. i'm intrigued by this... like ALOT..

He gets mad at me.. and gets disappointed with what i do sometimes.. it's funny.. i'm so not use to it.. that i don't know how to react to his reaction... i literally just.. sit there confuzed. LOL!!!


Allen came and spent the whole night with me Thursday night.. he got to my place around 9-10pmish.. we went to Barnes & Nobles to return almost all the makeup books that I bought because I bought them cheaper online.. then we rushed back to my dorm so i could finish packing and cleaning. He took a nap while i got ready.. and at around 3am.. we hopped in the car.. towards the airport =(

when i opened the door to the car.. there was this panda sitting in my seat :) so sweet... Allen bought it for me.. saying that he wanted to give me a temporary something to hold on to... until i got back. then he gave me a card.. that he said is a must not open...until on the plane :P

so we're on our way.. and i'm tired...

we get there........ I loveeeeeeee it when he wears.. casual clothes.. love love love!
falling asleep.. he's so tired... we didn't get to the airport until 5am

last kiss before i left :(. miss him already.

so i got on the plane...

and read his card.

again. speechless. I mean who does that?! What kind of guy... takes the time... to write something so sentimental. Guys hate doing things like that.. i mean.. i could tell by what he wrote.. he was nervous.. and lol i could totally picture him getting frustrated.. trying to write the right things.

unreal what he wrote.

i'd write it out.. but it's a bit personal.. I think me writing about him on the web is and has been crossing the line.. ... LOL.. but ohhhhhhh how i wish you guys could read it.. made my heart skip a beat. literally.


look what i came home to!!!!!!

LOL!! One of my best guyfriends ever!! So.. he thought that maybe because I'd lost weight he wouldn't recognize me at the airport.. He ended up going to the wrong terminal and holding up this sign!! AHHHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH. So sad i missed it!!!!! He said he'd waited walking around with the sign.. wrong terminal though.. but so sweet! I LOVEEEEEEEE freddy! He's so frigging hilarious..

Ok run down.. i'm taking to long.
I went shopping with my mamma.. OOOOOOOOOOOO how i love my mamma.. She's so excited for me... my weightloss... my boyfriend.. my school.. it's like she's living it with me.. so she took me shopping.. a first time in such a long time ..I bought my 2nd & 3rd pair of heels/stilettos.. I've got to tell you.. they're AMAZING!

I've never had the confidence to wear them.. EVER... but i'm finally... getting some... guts.. to possibly strut them. LOL. I tried wearing the brown ones yesterday.. OH MY GOLLY!! you guys woulda probably started laughing like no other.. i looked like.. a total NOOB.. LIMPING EVERYWHERE. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAhahahahahhahahah ..but they're beautiful aren't they?!

My mom really is so sweet..
she bought it for me.. saying how she hopes that i gain more confidence.. she kept rooting for me while i was walking in them. AHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHA!! so cute.. i LOVE HER!!!!!!!!1
I went to CCO and bought these two too!! Mineralized skin finish & lipstick in freckletone.. OMGGGGGGGGGGG in love with freckletone.. i might have to get another one.

I gotta run... grrrrrrrr i totally didn't blog what i wanted to talk about.. this is what happens when you're rushed.. but i hope you ladies have a WONDERFUL 4th of july!!!!!

I love you guys!!!!!!!!!!
I'll update you asap...
i really want to touch up on some issues later..

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