my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Saturday, June 19, 2010

it's 2:19am

It's 2:19am...
it's hot & humid in my room..
I'm anxious..
can't sleep..
my mind seems to be running faster than I can comprehend.
So many random thoughts..

Okay here goes my random blogging.. Probably won't make sense.. but it's just a way to release so please take note.
In plain words...
I feel old and abnormal.

I just finished watching this episode of true life.. with some 20 year old girl whos phone goes off like... every 2 seconds... she's constantly out and about.. with girlfriends, guyfriends, boyfriends.. etc.. busy.. busy.. social life is everything..

I'm the complete opposite. What the heck am I doing. Really.
I'm just beginning to realize that a few years ago I had a few very select friends that I would talk to once in a while.. and now I'm realizing I don't talk to anybody. I mean I keep in touch with people through facebook...... but WOW.
SMACK in the face.
I seriously don't talk to anyone.
Outside of school...
my boyfriend..
and family..
I don't talk to ANYONE.
I'm so disturbed by this.. I'm like starting to freak out.
Am I weird?
HOW is it that... I don't have a single ounce of a social life.

Earlier today, I was telling Allen how on Friday after school I wanted to go out..
I wanted to go home.. get dolled up for once (since I'm always in my Chef's Whites now)... and go shopping with a girlfriend.. when I realized.. I had no one to go with.


I could've called my guyfriends from school... but really? I really am sick of all the testosterone around me..

Yeah.. that's when the tears started rolling.
I really gotta give myself a break though. I've been so self conscious lately that I've kind of sealed myself off again. I'm now starting to break out of my closet but it's going to take some time..

I had said in my Youtube video a month or so ago how I was starting my diet & exercise..
Well I started... and my starting weight was 159..
but then my academic classes (from last quarter) hit me hard.. and I ended up not having the time.. and guess what happened.
I splurged.. ALOT.. and I gained.. I went up to 164..

I didn't even realize I gained 5 pounds.. until I stepped on the scale after the quarter ended..
Oh boy.. when I weighed myself.. I pretty much beat myself up for a few days..

Buttt don't worry..
I did start..
and here's some good news..

It's been 3 weeks now since I've started my diet & exercise..
It's also been 4 week since I've quit smoking.
It's been a hellish month... but I'm glad I've gotten through it..
My diet & exercise this time around.. is no joke. I'm hating every ounce of it..
but i'm not quitting.
I've lost 5 pounds.. which isn't that much.. but I've gained quiet a bit of muscle... which I'm okay with..

I feel so emotionless right now.. is that a word? So... uninspired..
i'm flustered.

I think I'm going to reblog in a few days.. I need to gather myself.
::Sigh:: I'll be back.

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