it hurts.

I'm so stressed out that it hurts. Have you guys ever felt that before where you're physically in pain because your heads about to blow.. your chest is in pain.. etc..

This week has been hell week for me. I'm totally freaking out because of school. I'm leaving to New york in 2 weeks and at this point i feel so ridiculously alone that I'm scared. I think all of it is just finally getting to me.. the thought of having a crisis in NY and not knowing anyone to lean on.. to support me.. it's frightening.

I woke up this morning.. and started researching my EFC from my financial aid.. cause it.. just didn't seem right.. it's ridiculous really.. I'm not getting as much aid as I need.. and the cost of tuition for the culinary institute is beyond reasonable. I think my first year at the school is going to cost me over $25k. and the amount of aid i'm getting? A little less than $9k.. which makes no sense cause my family income is shit. and my mom still gets SSI & disability.

Anyway.. i went downstairs to talk to my parents this morning cause i needed some advice.. and some sort of just.. support from them.. cause i have no idea wtf im doing.. i tell them the situation.. and how much tuition's gonna cost.

game over. my mom starts screaming and rambling about how insane that is.. and how that's even possible.. then she starts screaming at me.. as if I DECIDED how much tuitions going to cost.. ok STOP. *she's not even paying for my tuition. i am. i'll be the one taking out all the loans* then she continues to yell at me some more.. about insignificant shit... like how i go to my bf's house alot.. how the eff is that related to my tuition?!?!?!?!!?. With my mom rambling to herself.. she keeps pushing my buttons.. and you know.. i've been crying for the last week.. everyday.. with her yelling at me.. i just... couldn't handle it..

i started to panick.. then scream non stop to cancel out my moms yelling. then i started crying...and eventually i got so mad.. and my adrenaline was pumping so hard..that i started hitting the wall.. non stop...

with me having an anxiety attack.. you'd think somebody was worried.. or maybe my mom would stop yelling? instead she kept going at it.... just laughing one of those ridiculous nasty laughs.. with her upset tone.. then to top that off.. my dad starts laughing at me the whole time.

while... i'm completely losing it.
god. that fucking hurts. all i needed was a little support. a fucking little you can do it.. maybe a how're you doing.. do you need anything....

instead i got two parents who tell me to fuck off.. and handle it yourself.


i'm so.. in the hole right now. hand hurts like hell.. my head is just banging. alkdsjflaskdfjalsdkfjalsdkfjfalsdj.

i'm freaking out you know. i'm financially in the hole. i'm going to school with no money in my pocket. i'm trying to reach goals that people tell me is unrealistic. i'm just trying to move forward in my life.

ugh. what a shitty day.

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Changing for the better

Wowsers! This week has been AMAZING!! I haven't had such a productive week.. in forever.. back to back to back..

Ok so first off... I got a call from the Culinary Institute of America with my OFFICIAL acceptance!! WOOOOOOOOO!! I know i know.. i'm sure everyones thinking wth... didn't you already get in? Nope.. it was just me being overly confident.. but jeez.. i was actually really freaking out thinking of the possibility that I might get rejected. I HATE the feeling of rejection... it's absolutely the worst. I've been rejected soooooo many times that.. well.. yeah.. self explanatory.. you guys know what i mean right?!

Anyway!! It happened while i was trying to take a nap.. my boyfriend was doing something next to me.. i don't quite remember but.. my phone rang.. and it was my admissions counselor.. and she goes.. "Hey Esther... so... about your application... CONGRADZ!!" holy SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIi.. for a moment i thought she was going to say something along the lines of.. " Hey Esther.. we regret to let you know that we cannot accept your application at this time" ahahahaha.. oh man.. my boyfriend was freaking out more than me while we were hearing her over speaker phone. AhHAHAha!

BUTTT what a relief!!!! The essay I wrote.. took me almost 2 months!! SO yeah.. it's OFFICIALLY OFFICIAL!!

NEW YORKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKkk hold on to your ears!! (rofl. random). JINAHHHHHHHHHHHh is coming to take over =). hehehe.'

NEXttttt.. as far as the photo shoot gig that i had.. it went rather well for my first time!! I was again nervous as hell.. cause i didn't know what the models wanted.. and if they'd be satisfied with what I did.. but they absolutely loved my work.. so they were stoked which made me stoked!! I should be getting pictures soon.. i'll def. show you guys when i get them!!

As far as the cosmetics sponsorship thingy with the company.. WHACK!! the meeting was whack.. too many requirements. they asked for wayyyyyyyy tooo much work.. and time.. and i def. wasn't satisfied with their quality. so that was out the door.

What else.. I finished my nephews slideshow thingy for his 1st bday.. slept only an hour last night to finish it.. left to Garden grove this morning at 8am... with everyone.. showed the slide show at his HUMONGOUS bday at a Korean BBQ restaurant that we pretty much rented for 4 hours LOL.. overall... it was a BIGG success!! everyone loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it =).

Ok lastly.....
the ultimate highlight of my week...
by far a moment i will cherish..

My best friend and I made up.. We haven't spoken for 3 years.. because of drama that happened when we were younger.. I've got to say.. I'm so unbelievebly happy! I've always felt a void in my life since.. we stopped talking..
How it happened? I myspace messaged her.. and just.. down right.. apologized.. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal.. but it is for me! It really was so hard to throw down my stupid pride.. and just.. say sorry.. I mean.. I should've done it long ago.. but jeez.. I've missed her sooo much.. SO SO SO SO SO much.. and now I'm soooooooooooo glad.. Times have changed.. she's engaged and expecting a little one!!!!! HOLY MOLY!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so appreciative.. that she's even willing to start our relationship over.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee =)

Anywho.. I should be getting my paperwork this week for school.... I might have another few photo gigs this week too!! Oh man.. and oh.. lOl i'm not going to say that i'll be officially dieting.. but starting tomorrow i'm going to start making the effort to eat better.. lighter.. allalalalalala.

Ok last thing before i go..
so.. I'm at a brain fart for my next youtube video.. any ideas? requests? something... realistic... I really do suck at doing anything extreme.. LOL.. possible valentines look? hmm.. not sure..

P.S. I love you ladies. you guys are the best! REALLY! You ladies really are a factor that gets my motivation going everyday! thank you!! <3 talk to you guys soon!!!

-Jinah :]

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