confidence & self esteem.

I'm at Bong's (my bfs.. long time nickname.. named by his parents LOL cause it means Junior in ilocano) right now.. in the garage.. browsing through blogs.. reading messages.. and.. reminiscing.. blah..

kinda in the down mood.. I wish I was more confident.. I know I sound optimistic in my videos and even on my blog entries.. and if you meet me.. i'll be optimistic.. you'll see me smile.. and laugh.. and humiliate myself.. ridiculously...but I still have these chubby girl moments.. where.. all I can think of is.. negative things. I completely envy these girls.. who are sooooo incredibly confident to say whatever they want.. when they want.. how they want.. I've lost weight since San Jose.. to be exact 35lbs.. yet.. I still feel trapped in the same body.. and see myself in the same image.. it's disgusting.. and utterly depressing.

Today.. I was just thinking.. of an incident that happened a few years ago.. not going to go into much detail.. but if I could only be confident.. say no.. not give a flying F.. and just say what I had to say.. I could've saved myself so much.. pain.
To top off my mood.. I think I've just lost a friend.. a good friend.. or so I thought. I completely trusted this person.. i looked up to this person.. it.. gave me inspiration.. and guidance.. and treated me so much as if i was a sibling. but it.. crossed the line.. When i make friends.. i completely give them the benefit of the doubt.. to every situation.. i expect integrity.. and compassion.. and loyalty.. not even loyalty cause shit happens.. but.. i expect.. the person to respect me.. ESPECIALLY after.. throwing myself out there.. laying my issues out on the table for it to see.. it knew me.. but.. it.. seriously crossed the line.. and did something i'd never in a life time would have liked to see..

bottom line.. i'm sad... sad.. that no matter how much I try.. to make friends.. with genuine people.. and no matter how much.. i give and give and give.. i get stomped on.. I've moved soooooo many times in my lifetime.. that I'm getting tired.. of meeting new people and trying.. trying.. to befriend people.. when ALL they do is call me.. to use me for connections.. or.. use me.. as if I WAS THEIR MAMMA.... swear.. sooooo many people contact me.. JUST to talk about their issues.. which I don't mind.. because I loveeeee reaching out to people... but.. hey.. a little.. How are you? doesn't hurt..

I really miss having good girlfriends.. all my girlfriends are scattered ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the place.. I have a wonderful boyfriend.. but a boyfriend is a boyfriend you know..

Confidence.. self esteem.. it's a journey ain't it?
I'm only human..

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4:09am. boring update. JK!!!!!!!

soOoOOoo... it's 4:09am.. and I'm still up.. I'm always up.. until around this time.. but before I head off to bed I want to updateeee!!!!!!!

I WEIGHED INNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNnnnnnnnn! Just cause.. it's MONDAY!! or... wait no.. it's Tuesday.. but.. officially it has been 1 full week.. since my diet & exercise and I wanna tell you guys!!

RECAP:
Sept 29= 167.6 lbs. (failure week. no diet. no exercise. had no membership. nada nada)
Oct 6= 169 lbs. JEEEEEEEEz! Depressing week. GOOD DIET + GOOD exercise = NO WEIGHT LOSS. only.. WEIGHT GAIN! BOOOOOOOO!
now....
ready!??!
Oct 13= 165 lbs. WOOOOOOOOoo! that gives me a -4... from last monday.. YAY!!!!!

It's not much.. but.. it's something!!!!!!
THANK YOU!! ALL OF YOU! EVERYONE! For all the love & encouragement! Jeez. I had such a frustrating week last week.. but.. all of your comments.. and messages.. have really just pushed me to keep at it.. and well.. WHAT THE HECK DO I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT!? You guys got my back! Right?!
YOU GUYS WILL STILL LOVE ME IF I'M FAT RIGHT?! hahahahah. im jking. =) YOu guys are truely the best. I'd buy allllllllllll of you ice cream if i could.. coffee ice cream... mmmmm....
lol..
for all of you... working out with me.. YOU CAN DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO IT!!!! wee can dooooooooooooooooo ittttttttttt =]. ahahaha. -_--;

anyway yeah.. that's it for the Weight Update.. =]
Today I went up North to Aliso Viejo (close to Irvine) with my fam bam to see my sister. OOOOOOOOOoo I got to seee my cutie patoootie nephew. I LOVEEEEEEEE him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's so friggin cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Here's a short clip of him.. you guys haveeee to see my chunky monkey!!

My sister took him to a GAP audition.. with the outfit i bought him.. LOOOOOok!!

I get so happy just looking at him.. he's so.. chunky & chinky.. and happy!!!

Him & his best friend dressed in MOnkey Outfits LOL~!



okok.. i gotta go to sleep :]. But i'll post up tomorrow!!
chauuuuuuuu!!
Jinah <3

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MAC Makeover! 0_o whHaaaa!

SOOoooooooooo... this morning... my brother and I went to the mall and while he went shoe & jean shopping.. I headed over to MAC.. where.. I got my makeup did!!!

They said I had to make a $50.00 purchase to get the makeover so I did =). I spent quiet a bit more than that. LOl. Anyway.. It was funny cause when I asked.. it looked as if the artists were debating amongst themselves who was going to do my makeover.. apparently not many of them have worked with Asians that have monolids.. lol the outcome.. They handed me over to a filipino artist =) who I absolutely had a blast with! I sat down.. pretending I didn't know didly squat about makeup.. and I went in barefaced... so loll it was fun! She guided me through the WHOLEEEEEEEEEEEE process.. and of course.. I asked MANY MANY questions. The total time it took for her to do my makeup: 1 hour 15 minutes. WHOAAAAAAA LOL! That's how much I stopped her. HAhAHahhaa.
Ok so anyway..
Here's the look she did on me~

THE MAC MAKEOVER





PRODUCTS SHE USED:
FACE
-Face & Body Foundation
-Mineralized Loose Powder? (not sure)
-FIX +

EYES
-Shadow Paint in Base Light (primer)
-Contrast- dark blue e/s (up to the crease area)
-Texture- orangish brown e/s (crease area all the way around)
-Nylon- highlight e/s (highlight)
-Eye Kohl liner in Blooz (to line my lower lash line & waterline)
-Fibre Rich Lash Mascara

CHEEKS
-Pressed Powder (contour)
-Powder Blush in Dame (blush cheeks)
-Mineralized Skin Finish a peachy colored one that's coming out on Oct. 16th

LIPS
-Viva Glam II
-Lustreglass in Instant Gold


Besides my look.. after I came home.. I decided that well.. it could use a little bit of work.. The look itself is beautiful.. but I thought it would look better if I just added some more of MEEEEEEEEEEEE to it =) So...

WHAT I DID:
-added more contrast to the outer corners to make a more windshield wiper shape (this creates the illusion that I have a wider eye)
-added more texture to balance the contrast
-put on my usual eyeliner (jane creme liner to top followed by my liquid liner)
-anddddddd added some Ardelle lashes

WALLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAA!!






I absolutely loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee it!! What do you guys think?
AnYYYWhOoooooooooo

Some new tips I learned:
-Add some neutral browns slightly above your crease when doing a smokey look.. this helps to create a more subtle.. more beautifully natural blend
-Use a variety of different eyeshadow textures to create more definition and shape. ex) mix a frosty color with a matte color and even a glittery color rather than doing all glitter or all frost or all shimmery
-For a more natural contour use a darker shade powder!
-When you fill in your brows go a few shades lighter

mMmmmmmmmmmmmm I think that's it =)
OKAY!
SOOOOOOOo for my haul!
Here's EVERYTHING I GOT!! READY!?!?!


I got 10 refill eyeshadows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 I know i know.... try not to count how much it was. LOL. it's depressing. LOL
-Juxt
-Texture
-Rice Paper
-Wedge
-Gorgeous Gold
-Fresh Water
-Stars N Rockets
-Nocturine
-Chrome Yellow
-Contrast
PLUSSSSSSSSSSSS she gave me a free sample mascara =) zOOm ZOOm!!!!

I already put them into my Cd palettes =)

from Left to Right- Ricepaper, Wedge, Texture, Gorgeous Gold, Chrome Yellow

Stars N Rockets, Nocturine, Fresh Water, Contrast

Juxt

Ok so before I take off... guess what!!!!!!!!!11 I haven't weighed myself.. YAY!!!!
Andddd Friday & saturday were a fABuloussssssss rest day!
I'm seriously ready to take on week 2! My body feels soo much better after resting the last 2 days! =) Can't wait to start my work out again starting tonight! WOOOOOOO!!
Okay I guess I'll talk to you guys sooooooooooon!
LOVEEEEEEEEEE!

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Smokey Purple

Just a picture post! I'll update in a lil bit!!








PRODUCTS I USED:
FACE:
-MAC studio fix fluid (NC40)
-NYX black label compact in natural beige

EYES:
-too faced shadow insurance (primer)
-MAC Fix+ (used to make pigments more vibrant)
-FAKE MAC pigment in purple (entire lid)
-NYX e/s in black (crease)
-Light matte cream e/s (highlight)
-JANE creme liner (waterline)
-Loreal Intense Liquid liner
-NYX doll eyed mascara in long lash

CHEEKS & HIGHLIGHT:
-NYX powder blush in Peachy
-MAC dancing light (highlight)
-MAC sculpt & shape (contour)

LIPS:
-Estee Lauder lipstick in Crystal Baby
-NYX megashine gloss in French Kiss

Be back in a Bit =)

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M. I. A i tell you!

I'm sooo out of the loop. I've been concentrating on my workout.. and my diet so much.. that I've been neglecting my youtube... and my makeup addiction. ROFL. Should that be a yay or nay? =)

Anyway. I'm kinda in a poopy mood. I'm not gonna go into details cause.. it's going to sound repetitive in the long run. So I guess i'll just skip to the look I did today =)

I was thinking about Halloween inspirations.. cause I've gotten alot of halloween requests.. but.. really.. I SUCK!!!!!!!! I'm not very creative at this whole.. face painting thing yet.. =( and.. yeah.. LOL I'm so comfortable with doing looks that I can wear out.. it feels funny when I do something extremee...

buTTTTTTTTTTTt I did poison Ivy. or I ATTEMPTED to do poison ivy =). It can be.. seen as mother nature too... or eve... or... a plant. LOL. i don't know!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOo but beware.. I just uploaded the video.. and.. uh.. the part where i Try to do my whole face.. looks HIDEOUS.. which is why i erased the green on certain areas =).

anyway here's the pictures:






and.. here's when i did my whole face:


Products I used:
FACE
-MAC Studio Fix FLuid (NC40 Foundation)
-NYX black label compact in Natural Beige

EYES
-Too faced shadow insurance (primer)
-NYX jumbo pencil in horse raddish (eye color base)
-NYX e/s in Kiwi (entire lid)
-NYX e.s in Humid (crease)
-NYX e/s in Lime (highlight)
-Jane Creme liner
-Loreal Intense Liquid liner
-HIP teal liner

CHEEKS
-ELF bronzer in warm tan (cheeks)
-MAC dancing light (highlight)
-MAC sculpt and shape (contour)

LIPS
-MAC Ramblin Rose Frost
-MAC gloss in Instant Gold

So yup that's that.. as far as the party on Saturday~!! OH LORDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had 9 shots!!!!!!!!!!!! 9~!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was completely gone.. I haven't drank in... sooooo long.. since 4th of July. I don't go to these sort of events often.. but it was fun =) my two friends.. Ramon & Mari are getting married.. CONGRADz! This is their combined.. bachelors... bachelorette.. party..It looked like a CLUB in the house lOl. IGNORE my drunk voice. it's annoying. NO JOKE. lOL here's some videos of the party.




Here's the look I wore: (The electric eel & plumage


My closest guy friendddd and I <3 FREDDDY BEAR! He's the best!There was suppose to be a stripper at the party -__- but.. LOL.. Fred ended up stealing the SHOW topless hahahaha~!

The Groom & The Bride




Okay =( I'll be updating again soon.. =( sorry I've been so out of the loop ladies. ahhhh. I'm off to the gym. once again.

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good morning ladies

Good morning ladies!! It's 11:26am... I've got the sniffles cause of my allergies (oh man.. watery runny boogers.. AGAIn..LOL).. there's a baby that has been screamminggg next door for the past 2 hours.. which explains why i'm up instead of wasting my entire morning sleeping. LOl. it's funny.. I heard the baby in my dream.. then when I woke up.. yeah.. he was still screaming LOL.

ANYWHOooooooooo.. great morning =) I haven't done a thing.. but I'm in a good mood.
Today I'll be going to a friends pre-marriage party? LOL does that make sense? Anyway.. the theme is PIMP & HOE!! OHHHHHHHHHH LORDY!!
Wth do you wear to a pimp and hoe party?! LOL.
I don't really have any... skimpy clothes (too self conscious to even try them out) ... lol i think .. hmmmm i guess just clubbing style clothes huh? we'll see!!!!!!!

Ok so yesterday Bong (my bf) and I went to the gym again.. another greattttttttttttttt 2 hours of workout.. I can feel these little peanut sized muscles appearing out of nowhere. AHahahahah. butttt... yeah.. uhhhhhhhh I'm superrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr soreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. holy cow. yesterday.. that jerk kept torturing me.. by pressing all my sore spots really hard!! We spent an hour.. wrestling.. and I almost cried LOL cause it hurt so bad.. HAHAHHAha.. it sucks cause he's not sore.. so I couldn't get him back like that.. BUT i did get him back by trying to pluck out his leg hairs AHAHAHHAHA.

Diet wise? We've decided to start Monday officially again... cause we're trying to get in the groooooove of working out.. I really really like working out. It feels soo goooood.

So you know what's crazy? My bestie Janice... she started on Monday too... and she's already lost 4.8 lbs ain't that KRAJeeeness!! ANDDDDD her bf Marvin... he's already lost 9 lbs. HOLY COW! They're seriously a super motivator aren't they? =)

Anywhooooo MAKEUPPPPPPPPPPPP TALKK.
I'm SO proud of myself. I haven't bought any makeup recently although I'm urking to buy some LOL. But. I'm thinking of it.. as a makeup strike. lol. DUDE!@1!!! Us girls.. we spend WAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCHHHHHHHHHH. okay scratch that. I just spend way too much. We'll see how long that lasts. LOL


So here's the look I did yesterday..
Products I used:
FACE:
-MAC studio fix fluid in NC40
-NYX black label compact in natural beige

EYES:
-too faced shadow insurance(eye primer)
-NYX Jumbo Pencil in Milk (base)
-Stila e/s kitten (inner 1/2)
-Stila e/s barefoot contessa (outer 1/2)
-MAC e/s Sketch (crease)
-NYX e/s in highlight (highlight)
-Jane creme liner
-Loreal Liquid liner
-Covergirl auto pencil (waterline)
-HIP mascara

CHEEKS:
-NYX blush in natural
-NYX mosaic in latte (contour)
-MAC dancing light (face highlight)

LIPS:
-NYX black label lipstick in Beige
-NYX megashine gloss in French Kiss

Booooo my pictures are on my bfs laptop.. so i'll post them later.. Here's a few pictures I took from a different day that I did the same look =)





OH YEAH!!!!!
And I wanted to share my costume from last year..
LOL!!! for halloween that is!!
WARNING MAY BE A BIT SCARY!!

Ahahahaha..
It was soooooooooooo funnnnnnnnnnnnnnyy.. we went to Old town in San Diego.. and we were walking around.. girls were running away screaming.. LOL cause they were so scared!! =D


I hope I didn't scare you guys...
LOL!!!!!!!! <3 ttyl ladies!

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=( It's so.... hardddddddd!

It's hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry for not updating you guys.. the past couple days.. man. it just feels like nothing is going right.. You guys are going to be soooooooooo disappointed!

The last few days I haven't completely kept with my diet again.. mainly because finding a gym membership has been a complete b**ch. JEEEEEEEEEEz! It's sooooooo frikkin expensive! On day 1 I went with my best friend to her LA fitness gym.. since I had a guest pass... but.. you know guess passes won't work forever. So yeah.. I checked out.. Ballys.. LAfitness.. Being Fit... Frogs... etc... ALLLLLLLLLLL OVER PRICED GOSH DENGIT! I can't afffford.. to be paying $400+ a year for a friggin gym membership..

So yeah.. that was pretty much what got me down the last couple days.. and my doopid self let it get to me.. all I kept thinking about was... if I can't friggin work out what's the point in dieting?!?! RESULT= cheating.

For day 2 & day 3 I ended up following my diet for breakfast & for lunch... I ate some egg whites with some toast & a 1/2 apple for breakfast.. and for lunch I had tuna salad.. just a tuna can.. tossed into a salad.. with balsamic vinegar.. and a pinch of olive oil.. Sounds like I did pretty good for my diet right? YEAHHHHHH.. that is.. UNTIL DINNER!!! I ended up having tacos.. cause my brother frigging brought home a grip of them... THENNNNNNNn last night my dad bought BURRITOS! DEAR LORD!! They're setttting me up!

Sorry I disappointed you guys.. man.. it sucks.. i feel GROSS!

On a positive note..

My boyfriend and I finally got a membership @ 24hr fitness... and we got a pretty good deal cause he got a military discount..
We actually worked out today for almost 3 hours!!
We did.. an hour's worth of cardio.. and tried out pretty much every piece of equipment there was.. for the last 2 hours..

Anyway.. tomorrow is another day.. anddddddddddd I'm going to make it happen eventually. Baby steps. That's all it takes.
Oh man.. random: i'm addicted to pickles. HOLY cow.. I bought a jar yesterday.. i'm almost done with them. LOL!!

NEXXXXXXTTTTTT~

So here's the look I did yesterday.. I'm posting the youtube video right now. I so completely didn't know where I was going with the look.. I didn't know what colors to work with... but it ended up alright =)







FACE:
MAC Studio fix fluid (NC40)
NYX Black label compact in Natural Beige

EYES:
Too faced shadow insurance
NYX JEP in Rust (up to the crease)
NYX e/s in Golden Orange (up to the crease)
MAC firespot (right on top of the golden orange)
MAC pigment in vintage gold (crease)
Jesse's girl Wicked (crease)
160 palette green color (crease)
NYX e/s lime green (highlight)

Loreal intense liquid liner
Jane creme liner
Covergirl pencil liner (waterline)

CHEEKS:
NYC face glow in sunstone
NYX mosaic in latte (contour)

LIPS:
NYX black label in beige
NYX megashine in frosted beige


ALrightyyy ladies.. before i take a lil bitty napp... just wanted to say thank you thank you to allll of you who have left me some amazing messages of encouragement & support!! If i could hug every single one of you guys.. I SOOOOOOO WOULD!! BETTER YET!! I'd buy you guys all ice cream!!! ( i love ice cream =( HAHAHHA. welcome to the fat world of esther. jinah. chae. LOL ) <3 MUCH LOVe!!!

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