my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Monday, November 2, 2009

Thinking of him.

Hey loves!
It's beeen just about 2 months I think... since I last blogged. So many things have happened..
Just a quick rundown of some Random things that've happened to me. I'm not exactly in the mood to.. edit my writing.. so I'm going to write very.. freely. I'm going to tell you guys the truth.. and nothing but the truth.. so bare with my... depressing.. desperate.. joyous.. frustrated... moments..

-I got some sort of flu.. for a week and had to drop out of my Garde Mange class late September
-Passed my cooking practical with a 94 in the beginning of October
-Spent the last two weeks in New York with Allen.. we cooked dinner every night together.. watched football every Sunday & Monday...
-Allen bought me a promise ring
-Bump on boob is finally starting to go away.. almost gone
-I've secured an externship site at Union Square Cafe in Union Square (NY).
-I need to find a place to live ASAP in the city.
-I'm in California right now...staying at my sister's house in Ladera Ranch (Orange County) until Nov. 27 then I go back to NY.
-Sister gave birth to her second son Daniel Jeremiah Park
-I'm at my sister's house.. to nanny my sister's 2 year old while she nurses
-I just about went through a 10 nervous breakdown while my sister was in the hospital giving birth because my nephew was making me feel helpless.
-Nephews in his terrible 2's. Every second= another tantrum... after tantrum.. after tantrum. ::sigh:: so hard.
-I've quit smoking for just over 3 weeks now... and I'm still fighting my urges.
-I'm desperate to smoke. I should feel proud of myself.. but I don't. I'm happy it's not effecting the people i love around me.. health wise.. but.... smoking wasn't just a physical habit.. it helped me cope with stress.. it filled in my gaps throughout the day.. it was emotional.. and mental..
-my habit of smoking has been replaced with eating. -___________-; depressing isn't it?!!?!?
-I've gained weight. ::SIGH!!!!!!::
-My weight gain is making me feel insecure.
-I don't want to even.. wear nice clothes.. or do makeup because of my weight gain.
-I've received products to test out.. but haven't managed to play with them yet.
-My camera is dead and I didn't bring my charger from san diego= no videos.
-I started a food recipe journal. Bought a random mini notebook at Borders... and made tabs.. and now i'm loggging all my fav. recipes.. including recipes of my own.
-I've started a journey to really get down and dirty with learning to cook. Starting with Korean food. I want to learn more and more and more.. about the foundations of my cultures food. Food tells you history. It's an amazing thing.
-I've been cooking something new EVERY DAY. Something I've never done.
-I'm obsessed with Hello Kitty. OH EM GEEEEE!!!!!!!!!
-I got a new macbook pro. But am still learning to use it.
-I love my boyfriend more.. than.. I can explain.
-I've decided to settle with an associates degree from my culinary school rather than pursuing my bachelor's because I feel as if I'll be wasting $64,000 for an extra 2 years of general ed classes that will never do me any good with a bachelor's degree in culinary arts.
-I'm starting to plan my business for when i graduate.
-I'm going to pursue my book on asian makeup.
-I'm craving girlfriend companionship.
-why is it so difficult for me to find good girlfriends. Once again.. for the hundred thousandth time.. i ask this same question.
-i'm a mess a mess a mess a mess a mess!!!!!
-I can't get the elmo song out of my head since my nephew lovesssssssssssss the elmo song.
-I can't stop thinking about the "ktown girls" video on youtube cause it's so flipping funnny. "Like.. OH MY *OD!" ahahahahhaha
-I need contest ideas to do a contest so i can give away gift packages of brand new SIGMA brushes.
-i redesigned my mom's cafe.. painted the walls from this nasty teal color to a 3 tone color.. one wall= dark reddish.. one wall= peanut butterish.. one wall= latte ish... made it into a.. paris kind of theme.. with coffee art on the walls.. A paris adhesive picture.. i painted Hiedi's cafe in HUGEEEEE decorative writing on the main wall..
-spent a whole weekend spray painting ugly cafe chairs black.. to make it more modern..
-i've been a slave since i've been home. Haven't even unpacked my belongings yet.. and it's been 2 weeks.
-I've yet to call any of my friends here in California because i have no time to myself.
-I'm also carless so i'm stuck in Orange County.. without anyone to go out with :(
-I miss my boyfriend so much.. i feel like I'm missing half of me.
-I want to get married in the next 2 years.
-I had a nightmare with every stress of mine haunting me.. HORRIBLE DREAM. i woke up.. wanting to run away somewhere.
-i wish i were 13 again.
-Did i mention i have the best boyfriend ever? Whoever said love doesn't exist is WRONG!!!!! He completes me. Literally.
-He's flying in for Thanksgiving to meet my family. official.
-We're flying back to new york together.
-I seriously need to find a place to live in the city. feeling hopeless.
-I'm in desperate need of a way to make extra money. My min. wage externship in the city is DEFinitely not going to cover my living expenses. Stressed.
-i feel sad at the moment. i don't know why. i just do.

All done =)
Was that random or what?!?!?!
Ready to see some random pictures?!!?!
Sorry girls.. I'm not as bubbly like i usually am.. although........ this really is an insight to everything that's running through my mind.

Fritada dish i made in my America's Kitchen.. made by me.. plated by me :)

Kim-Bap that i made for my brother in law.. and my nephew

The dinner i made tonight for my sister.. my brother in law and my nephew:
Seared Filet Mignon topped with roasted onions & whole garlic with a balsamic, red wine, mushroom reduced sauce.. a side of roasted asparagus and mashed potatoes.

bare with me girls..


terr★e said...

YAY for new post! boo for missing the boyfriend :(
i've actually gained weight too over the past year and have felt more insecure than ever...but we have to still love ourselves! everyone who already loves you will still love you the same (esp your bf!), so you need to do the same! (i need to listen to that advice too :T)
&since you're in cali, it'd be so fun to hang out with you! :)
OOO, and since you like hello kitty (which i LOVE), there's a hello kitty art show (three apples) celebrating her 35th anniversary @ culver city :D you should go!!!!!

~Mel said...

oh girly, miss ya! hope everything turns out well, which I'm sure it would! it's too cute with you two and if you guys do get married, we would have the same last names! hehehe. know if you ever EVER need to talk, i'm only a phone call or AIM away. love ya! =)

...SimMiChikO said...

aww hang in there sweetie! i agree with you tho, good gfs are sooooo hard to find! your food looks delicious!! <3

xoladiihoneyxo said...

The promise ring is more like an engagement ring. haha. It's okay to gain weight!!!! Don't let it get to you like that. You're gorgeous and is fitted. Weight is just a number. and wow..... nice little sushi for your nephew. LOL.

새끈여신 said...

aw Jinah so glad to see a blog update from you! I do what you do when I have a lot on my mind that needs to be cleared out; I just sit down and start writing and let whatever feelings or thoughts i have resonate onto the medium. stream of consciousness, it really does help sort things out=) congratulations on quitting smoking though, it's such a hard task. I keep saying I need to quit, but i always find myself stopping at the gas station to buy a new pack...i need motivation or will power asap! i think it's very kind and thoughtful for you to spend so much of your time helping out your family. you're a serious 효녀 :) if you don't know what that means, ask your parents "나 효녀지?" lol stay healthy and happy, Jinah!
Jamie C

Anonymous said...

hey ! i just started blogging, but I have always been a fan of your makeup, weightloss and YOU. Trust me, i really can relate, im an overweight korean girl who struggles with cigggs & life. and I just think your so real & awesome for always keeping your head up. I love your random list of life better than a well constructed post =]

~Lisa said...

Aww! Good luck with everything that's going on in your life! Focus on the happier things! And congratz on quitting smoking. Keep going and striving for that goal to get rid of the urges.

Love your promise ring! It looks like an engagement ring ^.^

And what a CUTE mini sushi for your nephew! Ahh!! Teach us how to make sushi! I don't know how to make it =[ But I love eating it >.<

Follow me?

Ashley said...

You know you always have a girlfriend in me, Jinah. ;) I feel so weird calling you Jinah! I've always known you by your English name. And I so wish you were 13 again too because you know what that would mean? You'd be here with me and we'd be best friends, going swimming after church like we used to. haha!

Joanna Choe said...

You finally updated!! yeah!! I missed your blog. When I read that your in Cali... OMG!! EXCITED!! I really want the chance to meet you and get to know you more. :D I always read your blog and I totally understand with the weight and all the insecurities.I totally understand what your going through. It true, it is very hard finding good girlfriends/friends in general. Hope everything gets better. Stay strong! :D

grace said...

First off, I want to say that I'm a big fan of your blog!! :D
I was so excited to see your post! hehehe

I know how you feel about the weight gain...I gained all the weight back that I lost, so I have to go on a diet all over again!! What a waste T_T but I think it's important that true beauty is on the inside :]

and yes...true good girlfriends are hard to find. I'm having a lot of trouble with that myself :[

congrats on quitting!!! yes it's hard, but it's better to be fat and healthy than ugly skinny and unhealthy :D

Good luck and I hope all goes well with whatever is ahead in the near future!! :]

Anonymous said...

awwwwh, i hope everything will get better for you girl :] i can totally relate to you with the smoking/weight gain/wanna settle down in 2 years/no girlfriends to hang out with.

yeah, i tried quitting for a bit but it was so hard 'cause i too use it as a stress reliever and to fill in the gaps during the day so currently i'm still puffing away ...

within the last year i've gained a lot of weight (well to me) and i hate it. some days i just wanna sit in my room without make-up and be by myself lol. but then when i have the days where i wanna go out with the girls, i have no one since all my close friends are guys.

i'm so glad that at least you have a good thing going with your boyfriend :] whenever i feel down or have a bad day, i always call/text my boyfriend and he always knows how to cheer me up. he too wants to get married in 2 years, but it's so weird 'cause i don't even have my own apartment, and i'm still in school with a min. wage job :[ ...

anyway, i can relate, and i TOTALLY understand how you're feeling. a lot of mixed emotions, huh? i hope things get better for you :]

pookie said...

JINAH! Do you think you can give a recipe of how you do you Kim-bap?.. Looks good and I would definitely love to try it! PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE put up a recipe!! I will keep checking up on ya. I hope you get the time to answer me back! GOOD LUCK! I'm so glad you found someone who loves you for yoU!

Anonymous said...

I love your make-up tutorials!! I'm not a stick-thin Korean girl either; i've alwayss struggled with weight issues. Maybe like do exercise that you like, but focus on feeling good instead of losing weight. You're so gorgeous, you should love yourself! I've spent like years not doing things i wanted because i felt too fat.. but i've just decided that life will just pass you by if you think like that. You're so talented, have an amazinggg man [i agree, good girlfriends ARE hard to find].. I hope that you start feeling good about yourself soon =)

We Love Jinah!!! said...

Thanks for the update Jinah...
Hang in there!!!

You're still my fav YouTuber!

Anonymous said...

JInah so glad your back!! Yes it was random but it was fun to read and its great to be updated on your life & how you're doing too =) So you're gonna be working in Union Sq?? I used to go there all the time for shopping mainly.

Anonymous said...

thank you for the update! i hope you update more often, i love reading your blog. but then again, we're all busy bodies and i understand that you won't have a lot of time to update your blog. anyways, hope youre doing okay! (:

bandana85 said...

Hi Jinah, love to see a new blogpost, I've missed hearing from U:) about that dream - there is this saying that when dream is a nightmare the reality will be blessed so look on the bright sides:)everything will work out just fine Girl, take care. xoxo

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