finding the balance..

Hey loves,
First I want to start off by saying thanks for all the advise and encouraging words :]. They truly are helpful and the fact that there's people listening (or reading) my random rants make me feel a whole lot better.

Ready for part 2?
Bare with me girls..
Since my last post, things have gotten worst. I'm definitely in pursuit of trying to change some things in my life. I was hoping that things would get better.... unfortunately this week ended up a complete ship wreck.

To be honest, I feel torn and broken. Why is it that I can't find peace? This week there was someone key in my life that said some really disgustingly hurtful words.. words that will never be forgotten. The situation at that moment has played in my head over and over and over and over... and now I can neither face or speak to the person...
The whole situation was just out of control. If you guys would've been there.. you'd probably have crapped your pants... lol..

Butttt worrry not!!! BEcauseeeee I'm okay now :]. Through the midst of all the crap I've been going through I am beginning to find some comfort in my faith..

Here's a question, is it odd to you girls that I'm so open with my life? Because it's not to me. There are people that I know that think I'm crazy for sharing so much about me but I feel that if I can help anyone learn from my experiences and save them the situations and circumstances that I went through.. why the heck not?

Anyway, the bf left for NY on Friday. He'll be there for 9 days.. which I thought wouldn't be a big deal because it isn't... BUTTTTTT drum role.. wth... I'm like.. lifeless without him here?

One word= Pathetic.

Seriously, yesterday I went to the gym... then came home, cleaned my room, did my laundry... and uh.. yeah.. did nothing else for the rest of the day ( except watch a bajillion episodes of... vampire diaries, grey's anatomy, private practice and some random alien show.. )

What's worst? My best friend just left to Europe for 2 weeks.
Great. SUPERB. AWEeesomee >.<

lol. ::sigh::

This pathetic version of Jinah needs to stop!!!!!!
Here's what it alllllll comes down tooooooo!

I need to..
-get out more
-get a life
-rediscover my passions
-get healthier
-love myself more
-acknowledge that his love is the only love that really matters
-respect myself
-gain more confidence
-stop doubting myself
-live life
-stop worrying about everyone around me
-stop stressing
-quit smoking
-etc.


On a good note there is one thing that is happening to me :]
I'm losing weight..

2 1/2 weeks= -10 lbs.

Interestingly I'm trying... and not trying..
I didn't start a few weeks ago thinking i'm going on a diet yadadada..
I just.. randomly... started going to the gym a few days a week with the bf..
then I naturally started eating a little lighter than normal..
and rather than cutting out all the foods I like.. I'm just.. eating half the amount that I normally eat WITHOUT making such a big deal out of it.
I'm not counting calories, or doing weight watchers points...
but I'm trying to avoid situations where I do mindless eating..

I don't know if it's the stress of everything that's happening.. or if I've just reached an epiphany.. but the weight is kind of shedding a lot easier than my previously forced attempts.

Anyway, I'm going to pursue this.. thing I'm doing lol.. not so much of a diet..
I'm ok with going to the gym only 3 times a week as long as I go at all..
and I'm ok with eating whatever as long as I don't obsessively devour it... lol. <--weirdo I know

Ok that's it for today..
Signing out,
-Jinah

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Need a vaction. BAD!

Somebodyyyyyyyyyyyyy kickkkkkkkkk meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!

I need a vacation.
Bad.
REALLY REALLY BAD.
I just want to runnnnnn awayyyyyyyyyyy. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!

The bills just won't stop coming in..
I can't focusssss on anything!

Why does it feel like.. I'm just working... my life away.

How do all of you girls balance a full social, love, work life?!

I get up.. I work... I come home.. I go to the gym... I go to sleep..
and same thing allllllllllll over again!

I need change.. but I don't know how and what part of everything I do I need to change?
Does any of this make sense?

Life is soooooooo repetitive and draining!
Someone give me some inspiratttttttttion :(

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HellOOO!

Hello everyone? :)
I'm gonna avoid the whole yeah haven't updated.
I'm sure you girls are so use to it.. I don't even know if anyone still reads my blogs? LOL!

But just to get in the groove of blogging again.. I'm just gonna do a short post since I have a few minutes to spare at work.

So...
hmm...
quick rundown.
-Allen turned 30 a week ago!
-It was our 2 year anniversary 2 weeks ago.
-I officially am in debt forever now that my 450968540986456 students loans have kicked in.
-I've been stressing and thinking about what my plans are for the next few years.
-Thinking of going to Italy for a year? (It was a 50/50 before.. but my finances are making it less realistic)
-Work. work. work.
-My patience for random people is at a negative.
-I can't stand idiots.
-Work is stressful.
-I recently joined a meetup group for asian ladies in SD.
-I recently bought an ukulele.
-I love Michael Bubble.
-I've gained a few pounds.lol. so much for summer.
-I'm in love with my church in San Diego. (It is beyond amazing.)
-I'm aching to shop but I'm trying to focus on saving and paying off my debt. LOL.
-I caught some guy trying to steal at my store (ridiculous cause the store is inside of a courthouse where there are 3495830495 sheriffs)
-Some lady tried to pull off that she was homeless, divorced, broke, ex military, disabled to get free food... complete bull. (I ended up paying for her food out of my pocket cause she wouldn't stop... whining.. and frankly I felt bad.. stupid me.. the next day.. she came in fully made up.. pretending to be someone else. -_- and managed to by all this junk food.

Ok that's it for now..
I think I might be posting a vlog tonight on youtube?
Sorry for the short rundown!! Butttttttttt I'm going to tryyyyy to atleast write something!

Miss you all.
-Jinah :)

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Day 9

Hey girls!
Today is day 9... and I'm feeling pretty good I think. I'm still hurting from Wednesday... I can barely squat to sit cause my legs hurt so much. AnywhoOOoO~

If you missed out on my recent update video.. I weighed in on Wednesday.
Last week I was 176..
this week I weighed in at:

It's crazy right?! Who would've thought... 6.6 pounds!!!!! Typically that sort of weight loss is something you see on Biggest Loser, not at home!

This just proves that with hard work and dedication it's VERY POSSIBLE to lose weight...

I do have to say though, that I am a bit worried that some of the younger girls watching me might be doing what I'm doing except maybe.. not eating much at all... or something like that..

I just want you guys to know that I do NOT eat any LESS than 1200 calories a day. I hope that for those of you that are on this journey with me.. you're doing it the right way :) It's possible!! I promise!! You just have to be true to yourself and work hard! No excuses!!! I would hate knowing that my weight loss would make someone... cut corners... does that make sense?

I was talking to my mom yesterday... and how she really needs to lose weight.. not to get skinny but because she's borderline diabetic. My mom's problem is not so much exercising but more so her eating habits. Statistics wise, she's roughly 5'2 and about 180.. it worries me ALOT. So... oddly at her weight.. you would think it's because she's eating all sorts of junk and all day at that right? Wrong. She only eats once a day because she's so busy.. literally. So I'm pretty sure the reason why she's overweight is because she only eats once a day.

Ok to breakdown this is how it works.. by eating once a day.. your body knowwwwwsss that you're not going to feed it anything.. so it stores everything you eat straight into your storage fat.. so that it can survive. Your metabolism slowsssss downnnnnn almost like when you sleep... and it remains that way until you feed it. Now.. I'm almost positive that if my mom eat 3-5 times a day... and even 1600-1800 calories she would start losing weight. Your metabolism kicks in when you keep feeding it..... the more often you feed it.. the faster your body metabolizes the food.. which is whyyy skinnny people who eat ALOTTTTT don't gain weight! Their metabolism is soooo high that it just processes all the food instantly.. (which is why it comes out of their butt so fast too LOL).

I think this is also the reason I got the numbers I did this week..

Last year when I lost weight... I did cardio MUCH longer at the gym... and I ate less... anddddd I didn't eat as frequent during the day... so I lost about... 3 pounds a week.. roughly.. but this time.. I'm doing lessss cardio.. and eating more.. and I'm losing more!

okkkkkk enough with the jibber..... lol. sorry >.<

So... I haven't posted any pictures in a while.. so I'm going to show you guys a few random from the last few months.. enjoy :)

me in my service uniform..

Caterina.. the italian restaurant at my school (served here for 3 weeks)

the kitchen i worked in for 3 weeks in this restaurant

right before service.. my professor made us have a spoon of this nasty italian spirit.. to ward off any bad spirits LOL.. italian tradition?

my favorite group at school....

In front of the restaurant I did my externship at for 6 months.. last year :)

The night before graduation... we.. alll.. goottt... hammmereeeeed!!!!!!

graduation.. guess who's next to the president of the school? :)

I'll post again tomorrow.. maybe with more pictures? :)

Btw.. allen is coming home today from NY... and i'm stoked... i miss him... way too much. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

81 days to go.....

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The end of day 5....

Hey girls,
I know a lot of you have started your own journey's and I'd loveeeeee to hear how it's going!
As for myself, today is the end of day 5.... and I've got to say that the last few days haven't gotten any easier since the end of day 1. My workouts are still difficult... I'm motivated.. but I feel like at times my motivation just.. disappears within seconds. As far as dieting, well.... let's just say I feel deprived. lol. I'm a girl that likes to sit down and enjoy a steak Chipotle burrito with chips & guac... yes... I can eat the WHOLE thing.. but no.. here I am trying to pace my 1 cup of cheerios and 1 cup of nonfat milk.. with my 1 serving of strawberry yogurt while mentally telling myself that my body doesn't need anything more. LOL. Need I say more?

Anyway even though I'm just... whining.. things are still happening and I'm not giving up. I know I've lost weight but I don't know how much.. Weigh in is Wednesday.. which I'm really actually nervous about. I'm working hard..really hard... and so I'm hoping it shows on the scale..

Just to catch up.. here's what I've been eating, this is just a random compilation over the last 3 days.
Notes: Diet= 1200-1400 calories/ day, minimal salt, minimal sugar, minimal fat.

Breakfast- *goal is 300 cal. 7am-8am
-1 cup cereal, 1 cup non fat milk, & 1 yogurt (300 cal)
-1 slice whole wheat toast, 2 egg white scramble with mushrooms & onions, yogurt (250 cal)
-2 slice lean turkey bacon, 1 slice whole wheat toast, 2 egg whites, orange (240 cal)

Snack 10am
-fresh mini sweet peppers (25 cal/ 3)
-apples
-frozen fruit **myyyy favorite!!! You can buy it at costco, a big bag of frozen mangos, papaya, strawberries, pineapples
(70 cal. per cup!!)
-string cheese (not too big of a fan of)
-yogurt
-celery, carrots, broccoli (raw)

Lunch *goal is 300 cal 12 noon-1pm
-turkey sandwich on whole wheat with all the veggies, mustard, vinegar & black pepper
-strips of chicken breast over a mixed green salad with all the vegggies, vinegar, a tiny bit of oil, etc...
-tofu salad with a lil bit of sesame oil and soy sauce, vinegar with greens and veggies

Snack! Same as above 3pm

Dinner *goal is around 400-450 cal 5pm-6pm
-grilled chicken with steamed broccoli and herb roasted red bliss potatoes
-pan seared salmon with steamed veggies and 1/2 cup brown rice
-tofu soup with lots of veggies in it, steamed bok choy and 1/2 cup brown rice

Water
-10 cups

Ok so overall, nothing interesting.. everything really raw.. but I do have to say that my frozen fruits fulfill my dessert needs! They're soooooo goooood to eat! Def. should try it.

As far as my workouts,
I do an average of 30 minutes of cardio at the gym.. and burn between 300-400 calories.

Here is a list of what I've been doing on the machines:
-Treadmill... 2 min warm up at 3.4 speed... run at 6.5 speed for 3 minutes.. cool down for 1 min back to 3.4 speed.... incline 15 and walk at same speed for 4 minutes... decline back to 0... and run at 6.5 speed for another 3 minutes... cool down for 1 min at 3.4 speed.. etc..etc... I usually stop at 20-25 minutes..

-Ellipticals...start at level 7 resistance and just go for 10-15 minutes...

By the time I'm done with my cardio.. I'm drenched in sweat.. pretty gross.. cause I literally drip >.<.

I was meaning to blog about a few big points... but I've already forgotten.. I just feel soooo out of it.

OH yeah!! ok I remember one.. So.. I'm really starting to get pissed off and I need to let this out... cause it annoys the crap out of me.
I'm sick and tired of Koreans being so freaking judgmental on the way people look and act. It drives me NUTS!!!!!!
I can't stand it. Seriously. I'm overweight. yes. I know. But don't look at me like I'm some fat tub of lard that can't do anything!
Seriously. SERIOUSLY. Damn Koreans are all fake with their plastic surgery and their anorexic issues including their over obsession with having to have everything and demoralizing everyone. DON'T ACT superior, DON'T ACT like you're some gift from God. slkjfalskdjflaskjdfhvoxivuefr!~!!!

I'm seriously so over this having to be perfect thing. You know what's sad? Korean parents will tell their children that they love them... and then tell them that they should get nose surgery, eye surgery, leg surgery.. to lose weight.. to not drink water cause they'll gain weight.. to wear a corset so they get tuck in their bellies and sit up straight... to pretend they're perfect.

SCREWWWWWWWWWWW YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

Sorry. I'm Korean.. and I love being Korean... I love Korean food.. and some of Korean culture... but I can't stand... 99% of the Korean population which explains whyyyyy I only have a handful of korean friends. >.<


Anyway, I'm off to bed. Sorry for the random frustrations..


I'm hoping to make a video soon...

so stay tune..
I love you girls :) 5 days down... 85 more days to go...

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Day 2. A little better!

Ok so first let me start off with my assessment information!!

::::Day 1:::::
Weight: 176 lbs.
Height: 5'5

Arm: 12 7/8 inches.
Waist: 38 1/2 inches.
Abs: 42 3/4 inches.
Hips: 42 inches.
Thigh: 24 inches.

Jean Size: 11-13Shirt Size: L & XL

Official GoalsOverall GoalsWeight: 120-130 lbs.Jean Size: 3-5Shirt Size: Sm
Weekly GoalsLose -3 lbs/ week
Monthly GoalsLose -15 lbs/ month
By the end of 90 days...Be able to run a 6k marathonEnjoy working outEnjoy eating healthyBe able to control my portions


To see my Fitness Regimen that Daniel (my trainer) is assigning me..Check out his blog!!!! He's blogging it all!http://jumpstartperformance.blogspot.com

Ok so.. there it is!I'm so tired.. I'm gonna pass out.. as soon as I tell you guys what I ate & how I exercised today.
-Started off the morning with a much better attitude, woke up at 7am..-Woke my pug up (she's overweight too LOL... forcing her to do this transformation too.. def. don't think she likes it cause she's on a major diet/exercise regimen.)-Went for a nice moderate jog for a good 45 minutes with Jadie (pug).. had to stop along the way cause she refused to run anymore every so often
Breakfast:-1 cup cheerios -1 cup 1% milk -strawberry yogurt
Snack:-fruit snack (50 cal thingy LOL dunno how to explain what it is)-small orange
Lunch:-6" turkey sub with all veggies +mustard, vinegar & black pepper -Subway
Snack-sweet mini bell peppers fresh
Dinner-4 oz. chicken breast w/ mushrooms, onions, white wine, garlic-steamed broccoli-roasted red bliss potatoes (4 small wedges) with rosemary, sage, garlic, thyme, salt, pepper
Total Calories consumed: 1350MUCHHHHHH better than yesterday... still not 1200 but.. getting there >.<
Gym Workout:-Treadmill- 20 minutes- 2 min run @ 6.5 speed... 3 min walk on incline 15 (alternate) -210 calories-Elypticals- 11 minutes- level 7- 1626 strides- 102 calories-This mornings jog= about 150 calories
Total Calories burned: about -450 calories.


Ok so before i leave.. i have to say... gym was much much much harder today than yesterday for some reason...and a few tips to stray away from binging..
-Have an exit escape when something catches your eyes *food wise.. just... grab a bottle of water and walk away-To satisfy a craving if someone's eating in front of you... eat your healthier food at the sammmmmme time... so that at least you're not hungry.. cause you're eating.. I notice that most of my cravings come from being hungry.. but if i'm already munching on something I won't crave the junk as much.-Keep your mind occupied.. distract yourself from even trying to crave something.. talk to someone about your day or about tv or whatever!
Okok I'm really done..2 days down...88 more days to go..

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Day 1.

Quick Update.
Today was my assessment day and day 1 of my 90 day weight loss journey with my trainer Daniel!
Ugh.
Ugh.
Ugh.
UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Did i mention that it was really mean.. and gruel.. and just.. UGH!!!
So.. I started off this morning waking up and thinking.. ohh.. yeah.. diet... no problem.. salad.. sounds good... and then as the day goes on..
I start to feel the cravings..
for... EVERYTHING!!!!!
Omg.

Why does food have to consumeeeeee my lifeeeee?! Seriously.. It's like.. as soon as you see junk you forget about allll the motivation and all your goals.. instead you just want to indulge in a 2 combo Panda Express with 1/2 and 1/2 with beef and broccoli & orange chicken.
Lol.
shoot me.
I quit smoking... and I somehow managed to survive that.. but really... FOOD?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYY does food have to be so fattening >.<


Ok I'll stop complaining. I'm pooped.. So i'm going to just jot my days recordings and pass out.
I really hope tomorrow is better. I'll update tomorrow with all my horrible measurements/ weight/ pictures... etc..


Breakfast
-1 english muffin
-apple
-orange juice

Snack
-string cheese

Lunch
-1/2 Sauteed Chicken breast + mixed salad with balsamic vinegar

So far so good..
until...
Allen decides he wants to try Yoshinoya for the first time in his life >.<
-1/2 a beef bowl *epic fail.

THENNNN he decides he wants to buy a bunch of chinese pastries.
- 3 bites of his really good cream puff pastries *epic EPIC fail

Dinner
-1/2 Turkey breast sub from subway with all the veggies.. mustard.. pepper and vinegar.

Total Calories consumed: 1600
Total Calories burned at the gym: -300
Overate by 400 calories >.<

Gym= kicked my ass.

Better luck tomorrow? >.<
1 day down.....89 more days to go.

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