my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Can't sleep, HE'S COMING TO CALI!!!!!

Hey loves,
So last night.. I couldn't go to sleep till 2 something in the morning.. which is reallyyyyy late for me since I typically wake up at 6am with Paul (my nephew). Allens coming to Cali in 2 days.. and i'm so excited.. I can't think of anything besides him. I've missed him so much. I've been losing my mind here in California.. with all these ridiculous thoughts..

I should be happy to be home.. but I've seriously been being ping ponged back and forth between my sister's house and my parents house.. on who gets to use me for labor. BLAH.

the past week I've been pretty upset.
I'm so tempted to smoke right now because of my weight gain. I know that sounds ridiculous but I can feel the fat on every part of my body just.. coming back x309049383. It's so hard.. to see the weight that I worked my butt off.. come back.. 7 more pounds and I'll be back to the weight that I started out with in March. Ugh. Since quitting I've gained back close to 10 pounds..

My sister and Allen keep telling me.. health is more important than my weight. Quitting smoking was a good choice.
Right? RIGHTTTTT?!?!?
Then why in the worldddddd am i so tempted to start again.
It's horrible.
The only thing that's keeping me away, in honest truth..
is the disappointment I'd see on my families face along with Allen's face..
in addition to the fact that it's not a good smell to be around my nephews with.
Beyond that.. I'm just.. fighting the temptation to pick up the nasty habit again.
I eat so frequently right now.. and it's so hard to fight that too!!
My nephew has a pretty distinct schedule when it comes to eating.. and I end up eating with him every single meal. I've never ate so on the dot..
Breakfast.. snack.. lunch.. snack... dinner.. dessert.
I don't even LIKE sweets and I'm craving them.
Damn junk food.. keeps you craving more junk food.

It's depressing.
I can't freaking wear the clothes I was wearing in NY.
I'm so excited to see Allen..
but then again.. I'm scared out of my mind... cause I don't want him to see me..... like a blimp.
It's frustrating.
I feel like a couch potato even though I run around all day chasing my nephew.
I can't do this.

I'm so ready to go back to New York and start my life again..

I want to do everything.
I won't stop myself from anything.

I gotta run. Daniel (my newborn nephew) is hollaring.

Oh for you mommies out there... I HAVe to give you props.
You ladies just aren't as appreciated as you should be.

Here are some pictures:

My mommy & Baby Daniel
Daddy and Baby Daniel
My family <3 and my chubbed self.

Yuko and I <3 She came for the whole weekend to see me from Arizona! I love you!!!!!

Yuko, her baby Lotus and her hubby Tariq!!! Hot family huh?!?!

My closest cousin and I. I can't believe he's turning 21 in 3 months!

youtube... i gotta seriously.. catch up on it. BLAH.
scared.. to show myself. i just wanna hide in a hole.

Here's a video of my nephew.. paul.. while i'm feeding him Jja Jang bap.


Diane said...

you are gorgeous inside and out. Don't forget that. Cigs are probably placebo effects on weight loss. Its your mindset that helps in achieving weight loss. I remember you telling us that when you woke up, you didn't want to go workout but you'd already be putting your shoes on! How motivational! WHo cares about weight, I think you still look GOOOOOD!

shexilicious said...

I agree with Diane! It def is a placebo effect. Think POSITIVE. Be a little more mindful when you crave sweets and everything should go well! Plus, health sans cigarettes is better and weight is temporary! The health of your lungs and the lungs around you is much more permanent :)keep on movin! we're rooting for you!

kechiko said...

Hey Jinah -

I love reading your blog! Reading about your food cravings made me wanna share a tip I've learned - since I'm a compulsive eater, I try to buy things that I can eat a lot of without packing on calories. Other than the usual boring celery and carrots, I like to eat light Trader Joe's snacks like the sesame seaweed rice balls, or the rice puffs. You can eat ~1.5-2 cups and it's only 100 calories!

Good luck with the quitting smoking thing.. in the beginning it's tough. When my dad quit, he went through 1 box of See's candies a day O_O But after awhile your body will adjust. Stay strong!!!!

Andi said...

Hey Jinah!
I started following your blog since I've noticed how much motivation you had towards losing weight because it made you feel better for yourself and whatnot. Although reading about you missing Allen [?] does not seem to be the Jinah that I started blog following that I'm use to reading about. It's awesome to see that you have opened up yourself to someone else but keep in mind, you should be happy with who you are in the beginning and not to lose yourself in the person. Don't get caught up with the fairy tale facade where Cinderella gets the prince and they live happily ever after. It slowly seems like you're losing yourself in him because you're caring about what HE thinks about you. If he is really genuine, he wouldn't care about your weight or what you look like, thus you shouldn't care about how he perceives you. To quit smoking is an arduous task and I give you kudos for it :) Keep in mind, smoking does slowly start to deteriorate your teeth and you have a lovely smile! don't throw that away for an incentive to lose weight! Other than that, it's nice seeing a happy Jinah :) not a sad one. You only live once, live it with no regrets :)


xoladiihoneyxo said...

cutie pix!!! =] You shouldn't smoke anymore.. I agree with your boo, health is more important.

mimi said...

you're still beautiful!! just pick up where you left off and start working out again!!! it's hard but i'm doing the same thing!! i gained back all the weight ( and more ) i lost a year ago, but i'm back in the wagon!!

YuYu said...

duuuuuuuuuuude lets do Tracey Anderson work out togehter!
that way we can eat and shape up! yeayyyyyy yeayyyy

~Lisa said...

I personally don't think you're fat. You're really beautiful inside and out!! Look at how much time you spend with your nephews!!
They're really cute btw, and Paul is hilarious and super smart ^.^ How old is he??

Follow me please?

jellypie said...

Im so glad i read your post tonight. i was literally in the same place you were. eating things i dont like.
im studying abroad in korea and dont have the work out schedule or kitchen to live in a healthy fashion. one day i ate bad food and its just hard to cut it out of my life like i did when i lost 15 pounds. ive gained about 6 back and it freaking sucks!

Im not sure how to get through it but we ll just have to adjust and try to do the best we can.

it freaking sucks but its just a temporary set back right?
once you totally get out off the cigs, you be able to work out even harder with stronger lungs!

we ll lose it again soon!

kelsey said...

omg you read my mind! all the weight i lost just came back and i thought i would be motivated but right now i just wanna eat and hide. but dont worry girl , take things slowy :) im tryin too !

Anonymous said...

Jinah! Been reading your blog for ages now. I am also asian, been on the chubbier side and used to smoke too. I quit smoking regularly a year ago and I did gain quite a lot of weight, 10 pounds just like you. But once you stick through 1-2 months, you'll feel the nicotine addiction go away and trust me you will shed off those pounds you gained when you quit too. It's a fact that EVERYONE gains weight when they quit smoking, just don't worry about it and continue to abstain from cigarettes. You've lost weight before and I know you can do it again. We believe in you so just believe in yourself okay? Hope you're good girl.. don't worry your mind too much! You're still such an inspiration to us all.

Lots of love!


w0ngturn said...

Argh, don't you hate the fact that you can gain so much weight easily, yet so hard to lose it? But don't lose hope because there is always the option to work out and lose it! You look GREAT in your pictures by the way and your bf is VERY lucky to have you girl!

audrey said...

love these pictures, you look so beautiful as always :) just wanted to say to you that i love all your tutorials :) thank you very much for doing them, they are really helpful :)
have a nice day!

drey jewelry design

Anonymous said...

So I know this is weird and random haha but usually why you gain weight after you quit ciggs is from constipation- nicotine is a diuretic. I used to hookah a lot and itd help keep my weight down but I know its still bad for you, what really helps for me is drinking coffee-i particularly like mcdonalds iced coffees cause theyre pretty bomb haha but coffee in general works for me, try to drink lots and lots of water too =]?

Tiffany said...

Nice piks

Colaço said...

ahahaha funny!

célina said...


Im a fan of you! I love your videos on Youtube! You understand the difficulty it is for some Asians to do makeup since our eyes are different. In thus so, THANK YOU! GRAZIE! MERCI! XIE XIE! etc.. haha

Have confidence in yourself! you're a great person!

Take Care!

Célina x

Seah said...

Hi Jinah =) I've been watching your youtube video for a while but i didnt know that you have a blog!!

Anywayzzz sorry to hear that you feel crappy ant etc.. I used to feel the same (still sometimes..)
I was a bit chubby student when I was in High school but after graduatding the school I tried to loose weight in a bad way.(lots of stories blah blah) but now iam trying to be healthy than freaking out about my weight.
Just eat watever I want to eat(but not like chips,chips and chips) and exercise regularly.
It's been a while since I've seen my scale haha cuz I threw it out!!
but I feel healthier!!!
Remember there are lots of more important things out there than your weight. Number is not important in your life!! and Iam so jealous of you that you are super awesome at makeup. heheh

Ahhh I study cookery as well. maybe we can share out secret recipes when we become chefs =)

Hope you have an awesome week

Crystal S. Shin said...

don't know if you actually stayed 'quit' but it's actually your body bloating naturally as an addictive substance is being detoxed from your body. you really shouldn't be so hard on yourself.. you've come such a long way. saw your youtube vids and then blogger you're amazing. anyways, best tips in the world. try altoids those little mints in those tin cans. just consistently chomp away at those. the cinnamon flavor will help curb your sweets craving, while also stimulating your tastebuds... altogether you will end up feeling that annoying craving dissipate. good luck.

conniekim said...

Hello jinah!
I think you're one of the most inspirational people out there.
I love how deep your posts or even vlogs are and how you help all of us relate to what you're going through.
I agree with the others the smoking will not benefit you what so ever and another reason not to is that you do not want to develop cancer or any other sicknesses which would be terrible. And just because you had ONE down moment doesn't mean that you can't get back up. And odds are, you will have MORE goods than bad times and during the bad times you just need to get back up and out there.
I think you should read your previous blogs and reflect on how good you felt inside and out during those times and apply to everyday situations and it all starts with a sunny smile and positive attitude!
you are awesome! and I miss your blogs a ton!!
good luck!

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