my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Saturday, June 19, 2010

it's 2:19am

It's 2:19am...
it's hot & humid in my room..
I'm anxious..
can't sleep..
my mind seems to be running faster than I can comprehend.
So many random thoughts..

Okay here goes my random blogging.. Probably won't make sense.. but it's just a way to release so please take note.
In plain words...
I feel old and abnormal.

I just finished watching this episode of true life.. with some 20 year old girl whos phone goes off like... every 2 seconds... she's constantly out and about.. with girlfriends, guyfriends, boyfriends.. etc.. busy.. busy.. social life is everything..

I'm the complete opposite. What the heck am I doing. Really.
I'm just beginning to realize that a few years ago I had a few very select friends that I would talk to once in a while.. and now I'm realizing I don't talk to anybody. I mean I keep in touch with people through facebook...... but WOW.
SMACK in the face.
I seriously don't talk to anyone.
Outside of school...
my boyfriend..
and family..
I don't talk to ANYONE.
I'm so disturbed by this.. I'm like starting to freak out.
Am I weird?
HOW is it that... I don't have a single ounce of a social life.

Earlier today, I was telling Allen how on Friday after school I wanted to go out..
I wanted to go home.. get dolled up for once (since I'm always in my Chef's Whites now)... and go shopping with a girlfriend.. when I realized.. I had no one to go with.


I could've called my guyfriends from school... but really? I really am sick of all the testosterone around me..

Yeah.. that's when the tears started rolling.
I really gotta give myself a break though. I've been so self conscious lately that I've kind of sealed myself off again. I'm now starting to break out of my closet but it's going to take some time..

I had said in my Youtube video a month or so ago how I was starting my diet & exercise..
Well I started... and my starting weight was 159..
but then my academic classes (from last quarter) hit me hard.. and I ended up not having the time.. and guess what happened.
I splurged.. ALOT.. and I gained.. I went up to 164..

I didn't even realize I gained 5 pounds.. until I stepped on the scale after the quarter ended..
Oh boy.. when I weighed myself.. I pretty much beat myself up for a few days..

Buttt don't worry..
I did start..
and here's some good news..

It's been 3 weeks now since I've started my diet & exercise..
It's also been 4 week since I've quit smoking.
It's been a hellish month... but I'm glad I've gotten through it..
My diet & exercise this time around.. is no joke. I'm hating every ounce of it..
but i'm not quitting.
I've lost 5 pounds.. which isn't that much.. but I've gained quiet a bit of muscle... which I'm okay with..

I feel so emotionless right now.. is that a word? So... uninspired..
i'm flustered.

I think I'm going to reblog in a few days.. I need to gather myself.
::Sigh:: I'll be back.


xoladiihoneyxo said...

Awww, you poor thing. It's the same with me! I used to be so socializing with my girls and now.... besides family and hubbie, I rarely talk to anyone else. Plus, I'm so far away from them! I've been wanting to go shopping with a girl friend and right when I pick up the phone and look through the phone book, I can't seem to call anyone and it's pretty sad.

Kittynail said...

I know how you feel dear! I've noticed too that I'm just busy with my life, work and everything. I don't really talk to anyone anymore besides my boyfriend who I live with. Don't really have anyone to call etc.

Anonymous said...

Aww don't feel bad. I'm the same too -_- I only got my boyfriend and family, maybe just one or two little besties to like chit chat to, but other then them I'm doomed. But I found out my reason as to why this happened. It's cause I don't make an effort to try and initiate all those social crap.

An Tran said...

i'm the same way and i'm not even out of hs yet, only about to start my senior year. i only have a bf and my best friend & her bf that i'm with all the time. & a few close friends & that's it. when i don't have a bf that's minus one person. my best friend & i were talking about how we needed new friends lol. i still think it's better to have a few close ones than a bunch of casual friends =)
and good luck on your new diet!

Anonymous said...

I'm a second year in college, and I'm the same way. I beat myself up about it at first for becoming so freaking anti-social. But honestly at some point I realized that I just don't really enjoy being around friends 24/7...and that's okay. Feel better Jinah! And about the weight loss, don't focus on the numbers. Just keep in mind that you're getting smaller, even if you're only losing like a pound a month.

jewels said...

i totally know what you are talking about...the antisocial. I get so caught up w/ day to day stuff....hardly have friends out or even have good friends any more.

yeahyeahyeah said...

I have to say I'm the exact same way about the social thing... but I'm moving off to a new college soon...and hopefully that'll all turn around. Wish you the best sweetie. And hope you post more!

Anonymous said...

hang in there girl! i have faith in you. you shouldn't feel alone and down though, we all go through similar situations. me personally know how you feel ... i gained about 20 pounds in the last 2 years, the only people i really hang out with is my boyfriend and some of his guy friends, whenever i wanna go out shopping i go by myself ... sad huh? but i'm trying slowly to fix it all. hang in there love :]

urzafar said...

i feel exactly the same way you do jinah. i used to have a few good friends in highschool and now we don't hang out anymore and rarely talk. with work and engineering school most of my friends are guys and yes guys do get boring eventually. sometimes i wish i had a good girlfriend to hang with or socialize with and then i remember when i did have one all the drama that came with it. so the grass isn't always greener on the other side. just look on the brighter side of things, you're pretty, talented and have a career. plus you have family and a boyfriend who loves you. all in all thats pretty amazing! :)

mai said...

i know how it feels..ever since i got married to my husband who's a police officer - life has changed..DRASTICALLY..i no longer have friends since they're all back in san diego and plus i have watch i do because of my place in you EVER need a friend to talk to or need to call you can get ahold of there for now that im getting more integrated into the korean culture *husbands korean* could use a friend in that department!! >.< take care of yourself and take one day at a time - do something that makes you smile even for 5'll take you through the day better than being sad..

Sally said...

I totally understand where you are coming from! I think it's not so uncommon. Sometimes I think if everyone who felt like this was crammed into a room together there would be lots of friendships forming ;)

Anonymous said...

don't worry jinah!
we don't all have to be the same right? some people are more out-going and they feel lost without someone around most of the time. other people (like you and me) like our personal space, and our personal time.
and at those rare times when you miss having someone, why not call an old girl friend you used to be close to? ask her how she's doing and reconnect? you might be surprised =) most people would love hearing from an old friend.

chin up!


Anonymous said...

You've been such an inspiration to me! Please cheer up~ ^^ I totally understand your weight loss struggle and trying to get back on track.. I was so unmotivated this summer until I watched your video and just knowing that your going through the same process is so inspirational! I love how you can be so honest and truthful with everyone and just know you got lots of supports from your fans! <3

P.S. Sorry that I'm not help for your friends problem! :(

kaishiza said...

*huggles* We all have our ups and downs. I do hope you will feel better soon. I'm sure if you just go out and try, you will gain lots of girlfriends. Really if we lived close to each other I would be glad to be your friend

Anonymous said...

hey chica,

i just more or less read thru your entire blog! lol don't ask me how, i just sat here and did. kind of like when the xanga craze started, my friend showed me her's and i remember sitting at my itty bitty computer and reading thru her entire xanga! as mundane as it seemed i was fascinated by it, by her thoughts and days recorded and organized for all to read! i felt a familiar fascination as i read thru your blog. you are daebak for having the courage to say all the things that you do that many of us feel and think but can't/don't know how to say aloud.

also, i used to pass by the hyde park exit all the time going to & from upstate. my bf & i always used to say as we passed by the exit "hrmmms, NEW hyde park or OLD hyde park?" lmao it sounds sooo stupid but i used to live in New Hyde Park, ny and we sure got a kick out of seeing that sign esp bc it meant we were getting closer to our destination.

best of luck with the weight loss you look fabulous (actually your face is so gorgeous that you were beautiful even at your heaviest! miso jealous ^-^)

Anonymous said...

oh crap my apologies i just realized how lame & insensitive my comment (above) sounds considering the content of your post :T

*Maybe* Baby ♥ Mama said...

Our journey has begun!… secretly though

If I’ve left you this message, you’re a follower of my original blog ~OR~ just someone I’ve happened upon while sending out these invites and that I would LOVE for to come along for the ride! Though I won’t be revealing who I am just yet – until we’re TO and THROUGH the first trimester! Just getting the word out about our new site – further explanation of all the secrecy and what we’re about on my first post. I’d love for you to stop by.

Exciting things going on around here!

~ the {secret} *Maybe* Baby Mama

anita5892 said...

Jinah! It'll be ok. Everyone goes through things like this once in awhile. I feel your pain. Except, i never really had a social life to begin with. I guess it just takes time. And as far as weight, i think your weight is just fine. I wish i was in the 160s. I'm in the 200s instead. But anyway, hope everything gets better :)

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