Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm so stressed out that it hurts. Have you guys ever felt that before where you're physically in pain because your heads about to blow.. your chest is in pain.. etc..
This week has been hell week for me. I'm totally freaking out because of school. I'm leaving to New york in 2 weeks and at this point i feel so ridiculously alone that I'm scared. I think all of it is just finally getting to me.. the thought of having a crisis in NY and not knowing anyone to lean on.. to support me.. it's frightening.
I woke up this morning.. and started researching my EFC from my financial aid.. cause it.. just didn't seem right.. it's ridiculous really.. I'm not getting as much aid as I need.. and the cost of tuition for the culinary institute is beyond reasonable. I think my first year at the school is going to cost me over $25k. and the amount of aid i'm getting? A little less than $9k.. which makes no sense cause my family income is shit. and my mom still gets SSI & disability.
Anyway.. i went downstairs to talk to my parents this morning cause i needed some advice.. and some sort of just.. support from them.. cause i have no idea wtf im doing.. i tell them the situation.. and how much tuition's gonna cost.
game over. my mom starts screaming and rambling about how insane that is.. and how that's even possible.. then she starts screaming at me.. as if I DECIDED how much tuitions going to cost.. ok STOP. *she's not even paying for my tuition. i am. i'll be the one taking out all the loans* then she continues to yell at me some more.. about insignificant shit... like how i go to my bf's house alot.. how the eff is that related to my tuition?!?!?!?!!?. With my mom rambling to herself.. she keeps pushing my buttons.. and you know.. i've been crying for the last week.. everyday.. with her yelling at me.. i just... couldn't handle it..
i started to panick.. then scream non stop to cancel out my moms yelling. then i started crying...and eventually i got so mad.. and my adrenaline was pumping so hard..that i started hitting the wall.. non stop...
with me having an anxiety attack.. you'd think somebody was worried.. or maybe my mom would stop yelling? instead she kept going at it.... just laughing one of those ridiculous nasty laughs.. with her upset tone.. then to top that off.. my dad starts laughing at me the whole time.
while... i'm completely losing it.
god. that fucking hurts. all i needed was a little support. a fucking little you can do it.. maybe a how're you doing.. do you need anything....
instead i got two parents who tell me to fuck off.. and handle it yourself.
i'm so.. in the hole right now. hand hurts like hell.. my head is just banging. alkdsjflaskdfjalsdkfjalsdkfjfalsdj.
i'm freaking out you know. i'm financially in the hole. i'm going to school with no money in my pocket. i'm trying to reach goals that people tell me is unrealistic. i'm just trying to move forward in my life.
ugh. what a shitty day.