my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Monday, February 16, 2009

it hurts.


I'm so stressed out that it hurts. Have you guys ever felt that before where you're physically in pain because your heads about to blow.. your chest is in pain.. etc..

This week has been hell week for me. I'm totally freaking out because of school. I'm leaving to New york in 2 weeks and at this point i feel so ridiculously alone that I'm scared. I think all of it is just finally getting to me.. the thought of having a crisis in NY and not knowing anyone to lean on.. to support me.. it's frightening.

I woke up this morning.. and started researching my EFC from my financial aid.. cause it.. just didn't seem right.. it's ridiculous really.. I'm not getting as much aid as I need.. and the cost of tuition for the culinary institute is beyond reasonable. I think my first year at the school is going to cost me over $25k. and the amount of aid i'm getting? A little less than $9k.. which makes no sense cause my family income is shit. and my mom still gets SSI & disability.

Anyway.. i went downstairs to talk to my parents this morning cause i needed some advice.. and some sort of just.. support from them.. cause i have no idea wtf im doing.. i tell them the situation.. and how much tuition's gonna cost.

game over. my mom starts screaming and rambling about how insane that is.. and how that's even possible.. then she starts screaming at me.. as if I DECIDED how much tuitions going to cost.. ok STOP. *she's not even paying for my tuition. i am. i'll be the one taking out all the loans* then she continues to yell at me some more.. about insignificant shit... like how i go to my bf's house alot.. how the eff is that related to my tuition?!?!?!?!!?. With my mom rambling to herself.. she keeps pushing my buttons.. and you know.. i've been crying for the last week.. everyday.. with her yelling at me.. i just... couldn't handle it..

i started to panick.. then scream non stop to cancel out my moms yelling. then i started crying...and eventually i got so mad.. and my adrenaline was pumping so hard..that i started hitting the wall.. non stop...

with me having an anxiety attack.. you'd think somebody was worried.. or maybe my mom would stop yelling? instead she kept going at it.... just laughing one of those ridiculous nasty laughs.. with her upset tone.. then to top that off.. my dad starts laughing at me the whole time.

while... i'm completely losing it.
god. that fucking hurts. all i needed was a little support. a fucking little you can do it.. maybe a how're you doing.. do you need anything....

instead i got two parents who tell me to fuck off.. and handle it yourself.


i'm so.. in the hole right now. hand hurts like hell.. my head is just banging. alkdsjflaskdfjalsdkfjalsdkfjfalsdj.

i'm freaking out you know. i'm financially in the hole. i'm going to school with no money in my pocket. i'm trying to reach goals that people tell me is unrealistic. i'm just trying to move forward in my life.

ugh. what a shitty day.

21 comments:

Nu Nu Doll said...

Aw Jinah, it will be alright. New York is a wonderful place. You might be in the financial hole right now, but think about how you are bettering your life for the future. Asian parents are always like that, it's obnoxious. I ended it with my fiance, and was devastated and they just laugh at me, poke fun of how "not right" we looked as a couple, and they just weren't supportive or sensitive to my emotions. Ahhh Asian-ness. You'll be fine though, I have friends in New York, just stay focused and keep your head on straight. It's all worth it. One of my exes who still remains a great friend is in culinary school in Boston, and just seeing the fullfillment he has from culinary school is amazing. It's all going to be ok. *hug* I live in RI, fairly close to NY, and I think the only thing you have to worry about is the coldness. Keep your head up girl, I am here for you.

RessaMakeup said...

hi! ur blog entry just caught my eye and I have to say that ur not the only one. I have parents that are totally hard to deal with. I try to involve them in everything I do seeing that they are my parents but it always back fires and I get screamed at like no tomorrow and it hurts even more when they have to bring my bf into the conversation even when it doesn't make sense. I wish u all the best stay strong and don't let anyone or anything get in your way of HAPPINESS...keep smiling girl.

-Clarissa

digital fragrance said...

my parents are the same way girl just do what u have to do! work part time and keep applying :]
you have your friends and others to lean on so dont stress anymore and good luck!

shexilicious said...

Hey Jinah,

You are definitely not alone. My parents are just the same way. My university story is somewhat similar to yours. Basically they had forced me to go take something they wanted, and I dropped out. That was a complete waste of $15k. I wanted to go back to school, and I had no money at all to do so. What did I get? No Support.

I took up a full time job. I paid for it all myself. You know, at times when you feel alone ... keep your head up. As hard as it is that your parents, who should be your rock, aren't supportive... you have your boyfriend. You have your friends.

Keep applying for jobs. Save money. Do everything in your power because school only becomes much more worth it when you work hard for it.

xoxo.
Maria

Makeup Mama said...

Hey Jinah, I've been a bit of a lurker on your blog for a while, but I had to say something when I read this. Your parents sound like my parents were (they've eased up a bit...korean parents sound a lot like filipino parents!) but just remember that even though you feel alone and in a hole without any financial help, you're doing this for you. To make YOU happy, I've hard you talk about culinary school before, just remember how happy you were when you got accepted into that school. You'll find a way to make it work, you sound like a strong girl, I know you'll be just fine and then you'll lbe showing us some recipes on this mf! Good luck chica!

veraology said...

"A little less than $9k.. which makes no sense cause my family income is shit. and my mom still gets SSI & disability."

aww hun its gonna be ok. I know how you feel. im in the same position. I start school in two weeks also and I feel as if im not prepared yet :( its sucks... But good luck. Keep us updated xo

Hauteface said...

Jinah, I've been a lurker for your blog and your youtube for a while and i'm not really the kind to comment but i had to when i read this. I think as children we forget that sometimes our parents get as afraid as we do. Being parents they can't admit it like we can, so they resort to other, often wrong ways like yelling.
Regardless of whatever support you do or do not get from your parents, don't let that deter you from doing what you want to do. A big part of adulthood is having the courage to move forward when it seems no one else is following behind/beside/infront of us, sometimes you have to take the step of faith for yourself by yourself and trust/hope that everything will work out. That being said, sometimes the scariest things end up being the greatest thing we can do, you just need to step out. I hope everything works out for you, and don't stress out too much.

serenity. said...

Hey Jinah,
I think this is the first time I'm leaving a comment on your blog, but you're on my blogroll and I make sure to drop by whenever you have a new post up. :)
I'm sorry about how stressed out you are. I know how Korean parents are...they don't mean the things they say when they yell at us and, a lot of the times, it's because they're stressed too. My mom does the same thing to me, too. If I go to her with a problem, my mom starts raising her voice and then brings up completely irrelevant subjects. I think your mom just heard how much tuition was gonna cost, and her first instinct was to lose it.
9K is definitely not enough loan money, especially when the Culinary Institute is a private school. I think your best bet would be to look up some other loans, or maybe some scholarships. I know there are some essay scholarships and even photography scholarships that give you some pretty decent money.
My mom paid for two years of out of state tuition for me when I was at Purdue University and I dropped out, not realizing how much I was going to regret it. Now, no matter how much I want to go back to school, I can't because I don't have money and I can't ask my mom to pay for me again...she already sent 60K+ down the drain since I dropped out.
All I can tell you is to stay strong and keep focused on what you want. Think of all the new opportunities that are waiting for you in New York and don't stress so much about finances. Things always figure themselves out, right?
If you just need someone to talk to, you can always talk to me! hehe.
Feel better, hun!

Tracey06x said...

oh im so sorry that happened jinah!Just believe in yourself i mean you've got a great boyfriend and as many of the other girls have said your not the only one.
I hope you feel better!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kitty In Da City said...

hey jinah! i know it's hard to think positively during stressful times but try to remember what a great opportunity this is going to be for you. we all come upon financial hardships in our lives but somehow we always figure out ways to get through it. i live in nyc so if u have any questions, i'll be happy to help! good luck!

naomi said...

hey jinah. going to NY by urself with not enough money.. it must be frightening and stressful! Parents can act ridiculous at times but don't let it get too much on ur way. you have the most loving bf and ur a really strong person so think positive and time will solve every problems eventually! good luck :)

shirley said...

hello jinah! i've been following your blog for quit sometime. and let me just tell you, you are a truly amazing individual. i can totally relate to your situation because my parents are the same way. although i may not be in your shoes i sincerely hope you do not give up on your dreams, if you really love and feel passionate about something don't let it go! you have come this far don't walk out now, as hard as things are now you just have to keep pushing something good will come out of it. you are beautiful, smart, and strong believe in yourself. sometimes you just have to say FUCK IT! I'm going to do what makes me happy no matter what. If you can make it in NY you can make it anywhere! You will make friends in New York! please don't be sad, know that many people really have your best interest in mind. us bloggers are hear to listen to your frustrations and if you need someone to talk to we're here. stay strong!

Yolanda said...

Hi Jinah, I know exactly what you're going through. I always get the 'why do you go to his house' all the time lecture when it's completely unrelated to the problem. All you can do is just let them have their say and just leave it, they'll never change, you have to take control of your life and I'm sure with the exposure you are getting someone out there who's watching/reading can help you out. Good luck

eyecon1219 said...

hey girly i'm sorry to hear what has happened ! listen i know it's tough but you can def. make it thru this and you know how parents get. basically whenever shit like that happens just tune them out. i always do that when my mom starts saying retarded and unrelated things. i know it's going to be hard for you but i'm here for you in NY ! if you ever need anything you can you can count on me =). i'm your first new york friend remember ? keep your head up and hopefully i get to talk to you soon ! much love<3 ;)

sandi said...

Hey Jinah ... I'm a fellow blogger and I started reading your blog since I'm trying to lose weight and got interested in makeup. You can do this if you put effort in it. Asian parents don't really understand what's going on and they're just ignorant about stuff like this. Just ignore them and prove them wrong at the end. As for your financial aid, I'm sorry that happened, have you considered calling your school to see if they can help you? Taking out loans would be best unless you want to delay school and save up for it. Don't be scared to try new things, but also remember to be smart about it. Your parents just care about you and they're probably freaking out since they don't have the money needed to help you out. See what your options are, yes Culinary school is right there for you, but you gotta face reality at times and see if you can deal with the stress over there financially. Sorry if this comment sound a bitchy and such ... good luck with your decision.

<3 Sandi

GeeNie said...

Hiii! So first time I'm reading your blog but just wanted to say that I totally get what you're saying. I've stopped going to my mother a long time ago because every time I get upset and stuff like that happens, my head'd be spinning and I'm on the verge of tears, and she'd be sitting there smirking at me, like she "got" me or something. And I thought I was the only one with such a strange mother. Anyway, feel better. I have yet to figure out how to unhurt my knuckles but...

Hopefully once you go to NY you'll be able to establish yourself and they won't seem like such a big deal. That's what I'm hoping when I move out.

On a lighter note, love your vids!

Michelle Trinh said...

i know things look bad now, but youre a touch cookie jinah =) i know youre gunna reach where you want go. if you can push past a situation like this and keep your head up i know you can get through anything =) just keep on believing in your self and youre going to kick ass in NY. if you keep on reaching for your dream, everything will just fall into place

i hope all the best for you and good luck!

Anonymous said...

Jinah! Be strong! You are amazing, and I know you can handle this! Just keep your head up. Best of luck. Take care in NY.

My World said...

Hello Jinah
Well first of all I am outraged that the financial aid is not covering you not even half of tuition...and with this economy wow! you are brave to take such a challenge.
I hope everything goes well with your move and with school.
All of us will be waiting for your next post updating us.
...Take care !!!

ilovewendydarling said...

Hi there! I just ended up dropping by and I love your blog! You have extremely pretty eyes and blending skills!

Anyhow, I hope you feel a whole lot better soon and I'm sorry life isn't looking up in your favor. I'm sure things will turn out fine in the end:]

Cheer up! and I hope you have a great week!<3

Take care then.

hummiemd said...

girl, don't sweat it. there is a time in your life that will have to be separate from your parents' life. that time is now. it is now the time for you to hold your head up high and know that you are pursuing your dream. nothing can stop you if you are doing something that you love. asian parents have the tendency to be so unreasonable with dreams. they want us to do something 'achievable'. what the hell does that mean? that we're not good enough? just forget that shit and stand strong. when you are doing well and you are successful, they will see that and see how wrong they were, and maybe even be jealous of you because you pursued your dream. be well and stay strong. - JJ

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