my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

learning to love myself.

“You must love yourself before you love another. By accepting yourself and fully being what you are, your simple presence can make others happy.”

Hey loves,

So it's that time again. I've been going on these rancid mood swings lately.. nothing like pms or anything.. But one second I'm supppppppppppper happy..and the next I'm.. just.. mellow.
It's a real downer. I've been thinking the last few days about wth the problem is... cause truthfully it sucks. Why can't I be gidddy giddy all day? I loveeeeee being in a good mood and really it spreads like wildfire when people are around you.

Well I've been digging deep.. and as ugly as it is.. I've come to realize it all comes back down to self esteem. Yeah I've been losing weight, yes school is amazing, yes I'm becoming more proactive.. but still.. I just don't seem to love myself as much as i should. Ironic isn't it? I mean I mentioned a few posts ago about stop bringing yourself down... yet I'm still doing it.

It's going to get odd from here on out. LOL. bare with me.

I find that I tend to bash myself.. when people compliment me. Why?! That makes no sense right? I mean.. my best guyfriend at school.. who btw is amazing.. always tells me.. "You amaze me"... my initial response.. a quick punch to the arm.. a "shut up".. followed by me turning my back.. putting my head down.. and blushing. Oh boy. and you know.. it's not even just when guys compliment me like that.. it's.. anyone.. even the girls at school.. when they say something about my videos.. it's so hard for me to look at them in the eye and say.. thank you. I immediately blush.. and even tell them to shut up. LOL.. not out of being rude.. but thats just... how I am?

I don't know why.. but when someone compliments me... I feel like it's undeserved.. and i'm unworthy of the compliment.. I really need to stop. It's not good for me. But I can't help it!

Ok here's comes the icky stuff.
Bottom line.. I think I'm a people pleaser.. as much as I don't accept compliments.. deep down inside I'm fueled by them. I don't necessarily accept the compliment but somehow it makes me happy.. and i get energized by it.
You know what that is? bad bad bad.. bad.. bad... habit.

I shouldn't have to receive a compliment to be fueled.. I mean I don't get cocky about those kind of things.. but somehow it just.. transfers into energy..

To get to the nitty gritty.. i think it comes down to acceptance. I think when i was young.. i was made fun of so bad.. that even now.. till this day.. i feel like i have to work to be accepted.. which is why i think I've worked myself so hard... not for myself.. but to be accepted.

Oh.. the fat girl mentality needs to go. Really. I need to stop.. and accept myself for who i am.. for what i am..

I shouldn't care what other people think of me.. I shouldn't have to have people say something to me to feel accepted.

Outcome... is the quote i posted above.

I need to love myself first and others will love me. Not the other way around.
I shouldn't have other people love me first.. to love myself.

Acceptance. It's a hard concept.

Do i make any sense at all?

To give you guys an insight on how bad.. my insecurities are..
about a year ago.. i was talking to one of my guyfriends.. who's also like my mentor.
We were talking about communication.. and people skills because I wanted to learn to network better... and he really struck a sore spot.. cause he was saying how I had horrible habits.

When someone looks at me, despite who they are.. guy or girl... grandma or grandpa.. little boy.. whatever.. I look down. Even my ex .. when he use to look at me.. i'd yell at him and say stop looking at me. Not because i didn't want him to look at me.. but because I felt insecure about it.

How bad is that?! It's pretty bad. I really do walk alot with my head down. It's hard for me not to look at my feet at times when I get shy.. or I just turn my back completely. I blush hard. I shouldn't... I really shouldn't..

So to work on it.. my friend use to purposely stare at me hard when we met up.. without blinking.. and jeez luiz.. even though i KNEW he was doing it on purpose.. I'd STILL hit him and run away.. and just hide. LOL. SERIOUSLY.

I hide.

You know what else?
So i don't know if you guys noticed.. how i took down the relationships posts.. which was a mistake on my part for even posting it.. because it really is a bit personal.. but you know.. with my life changing so much right now.. I guess.. I am starting to get attention from guys.. i THINK.. i'm so in denial at this point that i can't even tell. lol.

but i mean.. that's how bad it is! I'm in denial still! I don't know whether i'm getting attention cause guys are desperate.. or if they're really interested.. but instinctively i still keep thinking..

I'm not good enough. WTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! makes no sense right?! GOLLY WHERE THE HELL IS MY PRIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Someone hit me in the head please.

I mean how ridiculous is this.
Even today!! Like a few hours ago.. I was sitting outside.. talking to a bunch of korean kids.. and one of the guys... was talking to me.. we were all talking about relationship preferences... in a.. joking way.. who we prefer to date. lalalal.. so one of the guys.. asks me.. what kind of guy are you interested in?

OKKKKK so this is how bad it was..
First. I thought.. who's the guy talking to? *look around
Next i thought.. why is he asking me?
Next thought.. Holy crap.. a KOREAN fob.. is talking to me?! (and i say this because i have the worst luck with korean fobs.. because i'm chunky.. they tend to judge me.. and make fun of me more)
and whaaaa he's not talking to me out of pity?!?! He's actually talking to me! WTH
WHOAAAAAAAAAAA... thennnnnnn because he was like.. looking at me dead on.. I started like turning around.. and just saying.. hMMMmm mo lah mo lah (i don't know i don't knowww).. and blushing. LOL!!

Pretty bad right?!! I wasn't even blushing out of flattery.. i was blushing.. cause.. he was looking at me.

I'm going to work on this. Really.
I want to be able to say.. that I love myself. I really do.
The last time.. when i was with my mentor friend.. he tried to make me say.. that I love myself out loud. and i failed.
it got to the point..
where i started crying.

None of that.

This topic was very personal.. but I like.. showing you guys my true colors.. I am me. You know? I feel it very humbling.. and it's a growing process that I hope to show you ladies.


On a diff note.
Weight loss wise.. I hit 12.4 on friday.. but I'm back to 11... I think it's partially cause I've been weight training. But i'm not too bothered by it. :] It's endurance that counts.

Tomorrow is my written final.. wish me luck.
Friday is my cooking practical (actual cooking test... where I prepare a dish for Chef) then.. I'm off to Skills 3.. a more detailed composition plating class (crazier dishes.. with alot more requirements.. etc.)

Good night ladies :]

Here's some randommmmmmmmmm eye candy :]
for you guys!
Saute Rainbow Trout Meuniere sauced with beurre meunier, served with boiled wild rice in fresh chicken stock.. a veg medley of mushrooms, golden beets, caulifloweretts, brussel sprouts & carrots.. topped with freshhh parsley
Chicken Fricassee served with mash potatoes, broccoli flowerettess & a veg medley of peas, pearl onions, mushrooms & bacon
Braised Short Rib with soft polenta, roasted turnip, carrot & rutabega.. and pan buttered jumbo asparagus :]

My girlfriend Liz.. before.. how she normally does her makeup
After :] classic smokey eye.
More old photoshoot pictures.. not that old.. like.. 4 months old :]
Pinup.. retro look

More inspirational pictures. You guys will probably see alot.. as i dig through my old pictures. SCARY!

I plan.. to NEVER go back.

When i was 19.
When i was 18..

=( ... i miss boba..
20.... last year... July 2008 (21)

2 weekends ago!!
k :]
Good night loves!! <3


Dana Yoshimizu said...

Almost everything you said reminded me of myself. I completely understand where you're coming from. When people compliment me, the first thing I do is look away and say "no" & you described it perfectly why we do that. & Omg, it makes me so NERVOUS when people stare at me, I start sweating and I become super anxious.
I used to always be the "ugly one" and was teased constantly growing up so I just cannot accept any attention that I get now.

But I know how you're feeling & everything you said makes complete sense. Stuff like this takes time and hopefully you'll eventually learn how to love yourself for being the absolutely amazing & beautiful person you are <3

ChonChon said...

Omg, reading this is like reading a post from my own diary. I never really feel inclined to comment because i never really know what to say, but i just had to because I am exactly like that...i am so insecure with my self, and never accept compliments. i feel like i dont deserve them and that they are saying it out of pity or something. My current boyfriend has helped me out so much, and i am changing...slowly, but i still fall back to my self-esteem issues..

I am so amazed that your thought processes are like mine. you are incredibly beautiful, and i hope i can get motivated like you too.

Im trying to lose weight too, but its hard to get motivated but i am working on it. Your weightloss is incredible. I am so proud of you.

Thank you for your inspiration. you are truly beautiful from the inside and outside.

loveandkiwi said...

wow jinah you really lost a LOT of weight. keep it going! all of us are here supporting you=)

Anonymous said...

I saw you on youtube and thought you had beautiful monolids and really helped me do make up for mine and it always turns out amazing.
I had no idea that you had to struggle so much in the past.

I just see a skinny girl and assume they are naturally skinny but man going to the gym, you see a lot of beautiful girls working hard for what theyve got!

So great job!!! and I totally relate to your past. When i first started dating , i hated when my bf looked at me and I couldnt make eye contact with him.

Also- helpful hint
every day, try to say one thing positive about yourself (and try not to say physical things)

It really helped me think positive and start loving myself hehe


urzafar said...

I agree with everyone above. Reading this post reminded me of everything that I think about everyday and all the things that I had to deal with in the past and still do. I also have a hard time accepting compliments and feel as if I dont deserve them. Having asian parents doesnt do much for your self-esteem either. Anyway, I hope us girls with these emotional scars can find a way to heal and be at peace with ourselves because we all deserve to be happy and feel beautiful :)

Anonymous said...

Im a silent reader but I've been keeping up with your posts and I enjoy reading every single one of your entries and your videos everything!! I totally understand where you are coming from.. I have that same habit.. I think I have fat girl mentality too now lol I used to be really thin and in college I gained like 30 pounds so all my friends and family around me were like.. whats wrong with you? why are you so fat now? so my self-esteem took a hugeee hit and I keep telling myself I don't deserve this and that but we do... :) I hope you keep working at your goals ( I will too!!) and be happy together. confidence!! by the way I genuinely think you're pretty and you have such a charming voice ^_^

Karla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jheanelle said...

I've had the same problems with not taking compliments well and not looking people in their eyes. I've attributed it to my own self-esteem issues and I've been working on it. I know it's going to take time, but it's, nonetheless, frustrating.

Congrats on the weight loss! You look fab. And I know you're inspiring a whole lot of chicas who read your blog with what you're doing because I know you've been a huge encouragement to me. =]

jewels said...

keep it up!
love yourself more.
show off the confidence!

Anonymous said...

You know what I think it is Jinah?

You have spent sooo much time on trying to better yourself from the outside that you never really got the chance or even realized until now that you haven't bettered your-self from the inside. Inside you are still the insecure girl that was over weight. I've also concluded that you don't really know how to deal with your physical changes, I mean of course you're greatful for them, that's why you're working out and sticking to diets. I think what's going on is that you are trying to find a balance between everything. Be you...allow those compliments to be good. Instead of it turning into a negative thing find a way for it to turn into something possitive. xD

jackie said...

while i was reading your post, it just made me realize that i was totally like that and still kinda am. I used to walk with my head to the ground and when i'd have conversations with people i'd look around and never look them straight in the eye. i guess in my mind i just figured that if i didn't look at them, they wouldnt stare back at me.

it took a lot of time for me to walk with my head up and talk to people without looking like im uninterested in our conversation.

no matter how many times my friends, family and significant others told me that i am beautiful, i have nothing to be ashamed about...blah blah blah...those were just words to me. it could never change my insecurities. so i started going to the gym, starting caring more in what i wore and how i looked because even though it may seem shallow and such...looking good on the outside really made me feel better on the inside. gave me the strength to bring out the real me. :) you are looking fabulous and just keep up the good work!! obviously you have an awesome, interesting personality because i love watching your videos.


Suebakk! said...

I definitely know what you mean girl, like with all the compliments and talking to people dead on and all! I feel so awkward when I stare at someone so I often times stare at something else when I talk to people. Also whenever I get compliments, like you said I feel like I don't really deserve it or it's not true you know. Like whenever someone says I'm cute or pretty I really don't believe them because I honestly don't think I'm like good looking you know. But I hope your habits change, cause once you do you'll turn into a beautiful butterfly xD (yes that was from the bugs life)

DSK said...


iamgrape1119 said...

WOAH! What an amazing accomplishment! You go girl! You look so much happier and more confident now too! I love your YT vids. You are so down to earth and bubbly! Stay strong!

maiatee said...

I understand where you're coming from 150%. I've been fat/chubby since I was young and I've also always had that "fat girl" mentality. I remember at a period where I had lost a lot of weight I had guys checking me out.. and not older guys but guys my age who were good looking and stuff and I was just like you and thought wtf.. me?! Really?! But this guy is so good-looking.. why is he going for me? I remember one time I turned a guy down because I felt so insecure, I thought I was not good enough to be with him and I'll end up disappointing him somehow.

Well that story was 10-15 pounds ago.. I gained weight again because I couldn't be bothered with dieting because of exams and stuff. I'm joining my local gym this week and I really can't wait to change my whole lifestyle and lose weight.

You've been a great inspiration Jinah and I look forward to reading your new posts!

Anonymous said...

Jinah~ you look amazing! and you are super dedicated to bringing yourself to a healthy weight. I've been trying to gain some weight for some time now, and I wish I was half as dedicated as you are =T

Sanderlees said...

Jinah... i cried reading this post because it was like reading about myself... the insecurities... low self esteem.. always looking down or not being able to take a compliment... you are on your way to taking control of all that and I commend you and wish i could say I was doing the same... i had a meeting with a rep at my local gym this weekend... and felt really pumped about getting into shape... i was thoroughly disappointed when i realized a membership is completely out of my budget...
I just still feel like so much is holding me back... and i don't know how to jump over those hurdles... you're amazing... and so inspirational

Anonymous said...

you are beautiful

Pinky Swear Reviews said...

Wow! I have been watching your Youtubes for a while and love, love, love them! I just came across your blog and this was the first blog I read.

So many thoughts are running through my head! All I can say is when you feel insecure know that what you have vlogging...takes GUTS! Whatever insecurities are set aside and you put your self out there...singing and doing makeup, etc! And you are changing lives, there are alot of asian women in the USA that grew up here in neighborhoods where no one looked like them and to be able to find you on Youtube and learn how to do their makeup for their eyes...that's a gift you give!

Also, it takes alot of motivation and dedication to losing weight. I struggle with it everyday! And YOU TRULY have become and inspiration. You work around food everyday and you are still shrinking! That is AMAZING!

So don't concentrate on those sad periods...take control of your feelings...if you feel bad and your in your room...make a change of scenery...plan a meetup with other gurus...go for a more makeup vids! As time passes so will that feeling. You know if you look back on days you were sad they are not that easily remembered...they pass. If you think of a happy memory it's with you longer. So just keep in mind that the bad days make the good days stand out and better!

Take care Sweetie! Thanks for this blog!

Justin said...

first time visitor. wow, this is a crazy blog post. i've never seen someone write about so many different (very personal things). so you're in cooking school? I guess by now you know how you did on the test. hope it went well. the food pics in this post look great.

kriken said...

i found your site from a trail of make up blogs..
but i'm still learning to love myself~ and i'm almost 30! it's hard~
you're one hot looking mama~ i hope it'll get me motivated to hit the gym more often:)

Anonymous said...

ive seen a couple of your videos, and never in my life would i ever post a comment, but i just had to. I think your really inspirational, and coming from another korean girl with weight problems i can totally relate. But the part I loved most about your entry, was the acceptance part. In my head I was thinking how hard it was to write that, and to admit of wanting to be accepted. I think ALOT of girls, including myself feed off people's compliments, not in a arrogant/cocky way, but because of their insecurities. i just love how you can be so truthful&real .

Anonymous said...

hey jinah! i love all your videos, your such an inspiration. you helped me lose 12 pounds which i thought i would never be able to do. i still have a lot of more to lose but i'm working on it! :] love you, byee!

Anonymous said...

you're gorgeeeous!
im amazed by your will power.
and i hope i can do the same.

Roxanne Alyssandra said...

Lookin' good, Jinah. You're such an inspiration! I'd really like to get toned & start eating healthier. I get so lazy tho... then I read what you wrote on your youtube channel, "NO EXCUSES. Just do it." You know what?! I is, girl!

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