I'm at Bong's (my bfs.. long time nickname.. named by his parents LOL cause it means Junior in ilocano) right now.. in the garage.. browsing through blogs.. reading messages.. and.. reminiscing.. blah..
kinda in the down mood.. I wish I was more confident.. I know I sound optimistic in my videos and even on my blog entries.. and if you meet me.. i'll be optimistic.. you'll see me smile.. and laugh.. and humiliate myself.. ridiculously...but I still have these chubby girl moments.. where.. all I can think of is.. negative things. I completely envy these girls.. who are sooooo incredibly confident to say whatever they want.. when they want.. how they want.. I've lost weight since San Jose.. to be exact 35lbs.. yet.. I still feel trapped in the same body.. and see myself in the same image.. it's disgusting.. and utterly depressing.
Today.. I was just thinking.. of an incident that happened a few years ago.. not going to go into much detail.. but if I could only be confident.. say no.. not give a flying F.. and just say what I had to say.. I could've saved myself so much.. pain.
To top off my mood.. I think I've just lost a friend.. a good friend.. or so I thought. I completely trusted this person.. i looked up to this person.. it.. gave me inspiration.. and guidance.. and treated me so much as if i was a sibling. but it.. crossed the line.. When i make friends.. i completely give them the benefit of the doubt.. to every situation.. i expect integrity.. and compassion.. and loyalty.. not even loyalty cause shit happens.. but.. i expect.. the person to respect me.. ESPECIALLY after.. throwing myself out there.. laying my issues out on the table for it to see.. it knew me.. but.. it.. seriously crossed the line.. and did something i'd never in a life time would have liked to see..
bottom line.. i'm sad... sad.. that no matter how much I try.. to make friends.. with genuine people.. and no matter how much.. i give and give and give.. i get stomped on.. I've moved soooooo many times in my lifetime.. that I'm getting tired.. of meeting new people and trying.. trying.. to befriend people.. when ALL they do is call me.. to use me for connections.. or.. use me.. as if I WAS THEIR MAMMA.... swear.. sooooo many people contact me.. JUST to talk about their issues.. which I don't mind.. because I loveeeee reaching out to people... but.. hey.. a little.. How are you? doesn't hurt..
I really miss having good girlfriends.. all my girlfriends are scattered ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the place.. I have a wonderful boyfriend.. but a boyfriend is a boyfriend you know..
Confidence.. self esteem.. it's a journey ain't it?
I'm only human..