my life as it is.. i.m.perfect

Saturday, October 18, 2008

confidence & self esteem.

I'm at Bong's (my bfs.. long time nickname.. named by his parents LOL cause it means Junior in ilocano) right now.. in the garage.. browsing through blogs.. reading messages.. and.. reminiscing.. blah..

kinda in the down mood.. I wish I was more confident.. I know I sound optimistic in my videos and even on my blog entries.. and if you meet me.. i'll be optimistic.. you'll see me smile.. and laugh.. and humiliate myself.. ridiculously...but I still have these chubby girl moments.. where.. all I can think of is.. negative things. I completely envy these girls.. who are sooooo incredibly confident to say whatever they want.. when they want.. how they want.. I've lost weight since San Jose.. to be exact 35lbs.. yet.. I still feel trapped in the same body.. and see myself in the same image.. it's disgusting.. and utterly depressing.

Today.. I was just thinking.. of an incident that happened a few years ago.. not going to go into much detail.. but if I could only be confident.. say no.. not give a flying F.. and just say what I had to say.. I could've saved myself so much.. pain.
To top off my mood.. I think I've just lost a friend.. a good friend.. or so I thought. I completely trusted this person.. i looked up to this person.. it.. gave me inspiration.. and guidance.. and treated me so much as if i was a sibling. but it.. crossed the line.. When i make friends.. i completely give them the benefit of the doubt.. to every situation.. i expect integrity.. and compassion.. and loyalty.. not even loyalty cause shit happens.. but.. i expect.. the person to respect me.. ESPECIALLY after.. throwing myself out there.. laying my issues out on the table for it to see.. it knew me.. but.. it.. seriously crossed the line.. and did something i'd never in a life time would have liked to see..

bottom line.. i'm sad... sad.. that no matter how much I try.. to make friends.. with genuine people.. and no matter how much.. i give and give and give.. i get stomped on.. I've moved soooooo many times in my lifetime.. that I'm getting tired.. of meeting new people and trying.. trying.. to befriend people.. when ALL they do is call me.. to use me for connections.. or.. use me.. as if I WAS THEIR MAMMA.... swear.. sooooo many people contact me.. JUST to talk about their issues.. which I don't mind.. because I loveeeee reaching out to people... but.. hey.. a little.. How are you? doesn't hurt..

I really miss having good girlfriends.. all my girlfriends are scattered ALLLLLLLLLLLL over the place.. I have a wonderful boyfriend.. but a boyfriend is a boyfriend you know..

Confidence.. self esteem.. it's a journey ain't it?
I'm only human..

6 comments:

Kylie said...

:( ur post made me sad.. but yess it is a journey..

Anonymous said...

I totally feel your pain... Its hard trying to make and find good friends, especially at a time in your life when its so important. But don't worry, u seem a cool, sweet girl, and anybody who can't see that for what u genuinely are, regardless of what u may bring to the table physically or for their own personal gain, u don't really need them in your life anyway. Just keep your head up:)

Beauty is Androgynous said...

dude i go thru this too. its okay.
u just have to catch yourself feeling down and just put on the confidence switch.
or at least "fake it till you make it"
tell yourself things to make you feel good and soooner or later, you WILL feel good.
with me i feel like i'll never lose weight again..
but i tell mysefl to keep going and don't think about every day.
just keep doing it and results will show.

man i have like 1 real girlfriend.
girls pretty much hate me. i can never keep a friendship w/ a girl it seems. thats why all my friends are usually guys.

it sucks but what can you do? just move on and know you're better than them and there are better friends out there to be made.

pookie said...

Hey Jinah,
back then I thought I had the coolest girlfriends EVER! but then I guess they were just a bunch of shit loaders and shit talkers. SO i figured I would do without them. I am a really NICE person and I know exactly where your coming from. I totally envy those girls. haha..funny to say. After I had my children, I gained 20 freakin pounds and my life just been down hill. But Jinah, your different, and you deserve a lot. You have potential, when you "fake" it or not. A lot ofpeople saw that in you that is why we are so inspired by you. So keep up the positive side because there will be light. And I know you can lose the weight, mind you, I think your beautiful the way you are already. But if you want to try, I know for sure you can!! I never try to get too close to friendships because you never know what will happen..

Anonymous said...

jinah i feel like im going through what u been through! im always moving every year and its hard for me too! i like reading ur blogs it makes me... want to become healthier person and stronger! yeah theres gonna be ups and downs and friends come and go, but you know dont be sad anymore :] just enjoy it alright??

aja aja fighting! hehe

Anh said...

Hey Jinah,

How are you lately? Yes I read your blog thing and it made me feel sad and feel sympathy too because I know a lot of girls deals with the same issues. I'm also like one those girls who needs a confident boost and what not. I thought I could trust people with everything too about me and what not, and then I found out the hard way that not all people are to be trusted. We all get though it somehow you know? Besides that making and meeting new people is always a different experience we have to go through in our life.

Jinah, I hope you continue to do what you do and don't care what other people do or say. When someone puts you down, it just makes them feel better. My mom always said this to me, "Just let it go through in one ear and out the other." It sounds much funnier in Vietnamese. hahaha

But anyways, hehehe, your an inspiration to me right now. hahaha. I need a boost to have someone who is reaching their goal to have a boost in their confidence and a goal to lose weight.

I hope you continue in life with a smile and just be yourself. :D! bye bye Jinah. OH YEAH! I love your name. hahahaha

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